Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Ask Susan

How can I know she has given me a clear sign she wants to have sex?

By Susan C. Price

[Questions are followed by answers and then, inevitably by ADVICE...you DID expect that...didn’t you?]

I have been dating a woman for about two months now. She is 57 and I am 68. She’s a lot of fun to be with and we always have a great time together. I think it could develop into a more serious long-term relationship.
    She was born in Mexico City but has lived and worked over here for a long time. At the end of the month, she’s taking me to meet her mother in Mexico City. I do love her, even though we haven’t been together for that long, and she says she loves me, too.
    Now, here’s the issue – we haven’t had sex yet. We hold hands and kiss, and one night we did mess around a bit in a hot tub when we were staying at a hotel. We talked about this and she said she wasn’t ready yet for sex, so I told her to give me a sign when she was. But I can’t say I’ve seen a clear-cut sign yet.
    Is this usual when couples of our age get together? Or am I doing something wrong?
    Any advice would be most appreciated because I just don’t know where to go from here. –Penfield


Dear Penfield,
    Sounds very promising (meeting the mother), and love is always fun. Sex usually can be fun also. Given what you described, I don’t think you are doing anything wrong. She continues to spend mutually enjoyable time with you, so we can assume she is not bothered by your behavior so far.
    She gave a verbal, “not yet” to sex. You told her to give you a sign when that changed. You assumed correctly that such a sign needs to be clear. (No means no, until Yes is clearly spoken by both parties...at all ages.) What we don’t know…is a lot. We don’t know enough about her background, history, and/or culture to know why she said she was not ready yet. We get the impression that you are ready and interested.
    I suggest you find a private quiet time on one of your dates, and ask her to talk with you about a part of a love relationship that is important to you, sex. Tell her that you are interested in sex with her, but you are most interested in her telling you where she is “at,” as a part of getting to know her. You are asking her to tell you how she feels about sex in a relationship. Maybe tell you how sex figured in other relationships she has had. Maybe even tell you when she thinks she might be ready to join in sexual activities with you.
    Aside from private and quiet, this discussion, for best results, should be held with both parties fully dressed and not high on any substance. I even suggest that the discussion be held in a public place, so that the “impression” that the discussion is expected to lead to sexual activity is at least muted.
    If you think this is challenging, you are right!
    And, for extra credit, start the talk about how you both handle money and how you might handle it together...Nope, I am not suggesting it is time to have THAT discussion. I am just pointing out that many topics beyond “we like the same food, and dancing, and...the same sports teams” are important and challenging to talk about. And also pointing out that it is precisely this learning to communicate that will grow and improve any relationship.

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Copyright © 2016 by Susan C. Price

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