Goines On: Not a rave review

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Almost every week, Goines had been buying a carton of Envy apples at Costco so he and Mrs. Goines could enjoy slices of a deliciously flavorful apple for dessert following their usual dinner of peanut butter on toasted bread.
    But Costco had no Envy’s on their most recent shopping trip, and so, of the three sorts on display, he selected a carton of Rave’s, an apple he’d not heard of. He was setting the carton in his cart when a woman startled him by asking how Rave’s were, and it twisted open and one of the apples tumbled out. He told her he hadn’t tried them, but—
    He was interrupted by the comment of a Costco produce guy behind: “Rave’s are in the Honeycrisp family, with a – shall we say? – tart aftertaste.”
    Goines pursed his lips and nodded. “Sounds good. But I see that I’ve damaged one of them. Am I obliged to take this carton?”
    “Certainly not! That happens to me too. Just hand me that carton and take another one.”
    Goines did so, and the woman also took a carton.

Goines narrated the scene to Mrs. Goines on their drive home, and she googled Rave apples and read him a glowing article about them. “It’s part Honeycrisp and part MonArk, a varietal from Arkansas, and with a harvest date earlier than any other apple in Washington State...It has a beautiful bright red-over-yellow color and that infamous Honeycrisp bite we all know and love...It is also outrageously juicy with a refreshing snappy zing....” Mrs. Goines stopped reading. “Not good writing," she said. “Pure PR.”
    Goines thought the writing sounded pretty good actually, the only false note being the writer’s “infamous Honeycrisp bite” phrase. Neither Goines had any idea what that was supposed to convey.

They shared one that afternoon. “Hmm,” said Mrs. Goines, “not sure I care for these. Not a pleasant taste. Kind of blah.”
    Goines couldn’t disagree. “Something grainy about the texture, mealy? A little tart, but tasteless.”
    The next day some friends of theirs brought them a small bag of Gala’s they had picked up at a farmers’ market near their home. So – even though Gala’s weren’t a favorite of theirs either – the Goines had one of them instead of another Rave. In comparison with the Rave, Goines liked the Gala better, its fine texture, even its shape, and its several dark, vigorous-looking seeds.

    The day after that they had both a Gala and a Rave, and Goines liked – or disliked – their flavorless taste about equally, though he much preferred the Gala’s texture and admired its shape and seeds. The Rave leaned over like a cripple and was seedless. Goines’ eyes suddenly widened with a realization. He was a Rave apple – nothing to fête, or rave about, or be envious of.

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