Ask Wednesday: Ask Susan

Which man, or neither?

By Susan C. Price

[Questions are followed by answers and then, inevitably by ADVICE...you DID expect that...didn’t you?]

I am in a five-year relationship with someone – we are best friends, childhood sweethearts and ridiculously well-matched. It has honestly been such a perfect relationship.
    We often talked about the future and I was always content – until I had to move to Latin America for a six-month work placement. The huge time difference made it a struggle to talk to each other. But we kept going due to how strong our relationship was when I left. Then I met a man who I completely fell for.
    I tried really hard to fight the attraction for the majority of the time that I was there – but it was impossible to ignore. This man and I became best friends during my time away and he knew about my boyfriend. But one thing led to another and a couple of weeks before I left we started to have sex.
    It was the most intense and passionate experience of my entire life and he felt the same. However, I do entirely understand how wrong it was. I am now home and back to normality but everything feels different, especially hiding such a big secret from everyone, including my boyfriend.
    I can’t help but try to cling on to my relationship with my boyfriend after everything we’ve been through but it feels like it can’t compare to the passion I felt when I was away. I still talk to the man abroad every day and feel lost without him. We talk about how much we miss each other and how incredible everything used to be and how much we wish we could be together.
    I really don’t know what to do for the best and it’s occupying every second of my day. –Theresa

Dear Theresa,
    Yup, this is a big challenge. You have had two great experiences: contentment and passion. So, you never have to feel you have missed something. Now, you need to decide what serves you best for now and, maybe, your future.
    I suggest you do the following:

1. Meet with a professional counselor a few times to help sort out how you feel, and what you want for your immediate and, maybe, long-term future.
2. Think about what you would want in communication from your boyfriend, if the story were reversed. And then think if what YOU want is what the other person, your boyfriend, really would like. (Some folks love surprise parties. I feel they are a “trick,” and unfair. Both attitudes are “right.”) It is not a law that you ever have to tell him about this, regardless of whether you stay with him or not. But it does speak to trust. And, if you have brought more than feelings and memories home, the facts might come out anyway. Tough call, I realize.
3. Consider what you want longer term, now that you have had these two experiences. Do you want to be “content,” “well-matched”, “perfect”? Do you want “best friend” who would have passionate sex with you even though he knew you had a boyfriend, “passion,” “wish we could be together”…or NEITHER? And consider the possibility that you don’t want a long-term relationship. Or at least not now. And consider that maybe you were bored in the childhood-sweetheart department, and that maybe neither of these two guys is where you want to be.

    Well, all that thinking will keep you busy for quite some time. There doesn’t seem to be a right answer to this – only your answer, which meets your needs as you understand them today. To calm yourself, try writing a note on your calendar in...oh...4 months time: “Is it clearer?” That will help you.
    Good luck.

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Copyright © 2015 by Susan C. Price