St. Paddy’s Day jokes

What’s not to like
still, 10 years later?

By Jack Cover 

(1942 – 2014)

[These jokes appeared here originally as “Sunday Review: St. Paddy’s Day jokes,” on March 17, 2023. That was ten St. Patrick’s Days ago, and they drew more than twice that many comments.]

Guest “Pome of the Season”

16 Years Ago:
The 2006
Christmas Pome

By Bill Keene

[This delightful light verse had not been re-run (until today) since its appearance here on December 24, 2006, at 6:47 a.m.]

A lot of folks don’t know that Santa only has one eye.

The other is a glass replacement through which he can spy

all the little boys and girls, moms and daddies, too.

At any time of year he could be looking right at you.

Frailty, dementia, and the loss of laughter

An attempt at humor
about something
few find funny

By James T. Carney

Motivated by the Yale News article, “Frailty, dementia raise mortality risk for older Americans after surgery,” about a study by Yale researchers that found striking differences in the mortality rate of older Americans within a year of their having major surgery, I have been reading a book on aging written by a medical doctor.

Goines On: Who’s minding?

Click image for more vignettes

[An adaptation, with updated ending, of “Thor's Day: Wrong number,” July 18, 2013]

The Goineses were at their dining table when Mrs. Goines’ phone rang. She answered it. Whoever it was, she didn’t recognize them. “You have the wrong number ... That’s okay. No problem.”
    Her phone rang again within seconds. Goines waited to see what Mrs. Goines would do.
    Without speaking, she hung up.

Contest Update: Other possible futures for Donald Trump

More scenarios for writers to explore

By Moristotle

We are grateful to Mr. Joe Hanover for suggesting some alternative futures for Donald Trump. Mr. Hanover believes that Mr. Trump’s future will grow more out of his achievements as President than out of his failures. Among those achievements, Mr. Hanover lists:

Goines On: Todd’s power

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As Goines pushed a shopping cart past Costco’s exit door to join Mrs. Goines at the entrance, Goines overheard Todd sending another shopper on her way after checking her items: “Have a won-der-ful day!”
    Todd’s only duty ever seemed to be to check carts on their way out, and Goines couldn’t say how many times he had heard Todd say “Have a won-der-ful day!” It had to have been dozens.

Goines On: Free offer for Trump supporters

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During a spell of malaise two weeks before the U.S. election, Goines found himself bemused by the surfeit of yard and roadside campaign posters. While he was developing an intense dislike for campaigning – all the lies, the vicious attacks, the distraction from trying to save life on Earth from the coming climate cataclysm – he did feel encouraged by the energy that people were injecting into the activity. Why couldn’t he inject a little into it?
    Okay, then. Goines thought of a variation for the Trump/Pence signs he was seeing. He logged onto his computer, found a useful example of the sign from among the plethora on offer on the internet, downloaded it, and opened it in Photoshop. Voilà! In a few minutes he had it.

Two Is Enough

And so are these two funnies

By Vic Midyett

Ol’ Zeb, the fish-catchin’est old fart that ever was, always caught his dinner of fish. By and by I came across Ol’ Zeb and asked him how that came to be. How did he always catch enough fish for dinner?

My Life [8]

Coping with COVID-19

By Jim Rix

Sketches from the Twin Cities: Apocalyptic Haikus

Series I

By Geoffrey Dean

The guillotine fell,
its severing slice precise –
fine execution

Thanksgiving Special

How our Thanksgiving goose got cooked

By Pam Palmer

[Editor’s Note: Originally published on July 20, 2013 as a Third Saturday Fiction. Sharing this wonderful story by Pam Palmer at Thanksgiving has become a tradition of Moristotle & Co., and we are grateful to Susan C. Price, in her execution of Ms. Palmer’s estate, for conveying the story to us, and for her wry stories about her friend.]

“We should have roast goose for Thanksgiving,” Martin said.
    It was 1976, and David, my husband, and I had just bought a house across the street from our long-time friends, Martin and Joan. Two weeks after we moved into the house, David left for a six-month stint on a research ship in the Antarctic. It would be my first Thanksgiving in my first house and I felt overwhelmed. Of course, I could go to my in-laws’ house but it was a long drive from Long Beach to Mission Viejo by myself. My parents were going to the desert so having dinner with them was not possible.

America’s Froth of July

By Moristotle









Worshippers pump up his act of demigod,
rallying to bump him to an epilogue,
    playing their role assigned, his chumps,
    repeating loud his smashing thumps,
humping to install him two-term demagogue.

Copyright © 2019 by Moristotle

The Loneliest Liberal: Dog speaking

By James Knudsen

Oooof. I’m going to have a talk with that cat. Whatever he’s eating is...don’t get me wrong, it’s delicious, but I gotta be able to go places without having to worry about letting loose with a little bark from the other end. And I don’t live alone. Every time I fark, The Philosopher, oooh, the look he gives me. Does he really think what comes outta him is rainbows and puppies? Actually, that’s not a good analogy. I was a puppy, and I know how disgusting we can be. Cutest things on the planet, am I right? But, totally disgusting. When I was a puppy I’d sometimes chew on books. Gross.

One Year Ago Today: Unique new evidence for divine intervention

Remember: “God” backwards spells “Dog”

By Moristotle

[The first official “poop patrol” report for the Collington Farms development in Mebane, North Carolina, was published on December 22, 2017. During the year ending today, Siegfried and I have collected approximately 1,144 piles of poop. The number is approximate because errors are inevitable, and it is occasionally unclear whether one pile resulted from only one poop, or whether two piles were produced by a single poop.]

By the half-way point of our walk this morning (about 3/4 of a mile into it), Siegfried and I had found (and I had collected) seven piles of poop (presumably dog poop). Hot damn! We had just tied the record set only a few days ago. It had more often been four or five piles, sometimes six.

The ages of man

They form a palindrome

Today’s palindromic wisdom was recently discovered in the lost manuscripts of the author of “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust”....

A Yorkshire Dales obituary

By Anonymous

The couple had been happily married for just over 50 years when the wife died. They had spent their entire married life in the Yorkshire Dales. The husband contacted the local newspaper to enquire about having an obituary published. But when informed of the cost by the lady in the newspaper office, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, “How much?! You’ve got to be joking!!”

Correspondence: Funny & not funny

Edited by Moristotle

[Items of correspondence are not attributed; they remain anonymous. They have been chosen for their inherent interest as journalism, story, or provocative opinion, which may or may not be shared by the editor or other members of the staff of Moristotle & Co.]

The last time my short-term memory was updated I required an anaesthetic and several new microprocessors.

Leaked “Fox & Friends Access” tape reveals Trump’s proof that the mainstream media peddle “fake news”

Satire in the style of Andy Borowitz

By Moristotle

Donald Trump met with friends Steve Doocy, Ainsley Earhardt, and Brian Kilmeade at Fox on May 12 for a program on the lesser news media, particularly CNN, CBS, the NY Times, and the Washington Post. The show had been scheduled to air that weekend but was scratched after someone realized that Trump had divulged a secret that, if it became known, would enable the lesser media to wiggle away from his “fake news” label.

Six Years Ago Today: Retired to turf-turding

By Moristotle

[Originally published on May 1, 2012, which means I’ve been retired a year longer than I was thinking I was. Time goes by quick when you’re having fun?]

Post-retirement employment wasn’t long to seek. My wife and I agree that May is our month to aerate our Bermuda grass lawn, and I started the job today, using my Hound Dog Coring Aerator¹, bought in anticipation months ago at Lowe’s Home Improvement, Mebane.

Memories of The Empress

All is forgiven

By Moristotle

My young family and I visited Vancouver Island, British Columbia’s, Empress Hotel in the early 1970s, so when I read this story about a hilariously comic incident there 17 years ago, my laughter was extra loud: “40 Sea Gulls Wrecked His Hotel Room. 17 Years Later, a Pepperoni Pardon” [Yonnette Joseph, NY Times, April 14].