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By James Knudsen
“Don’t get your panties in a twist!”
We’ve all heard the expression. I must confess that only recently did I figure out about which axis the panties were twisting. Axis being the extent of my grasp of geometry, the math lesson ends here. I’m more concerned with the who, how, and why of all this knicker knotting, for I believe that regardless of how and why, there’s too much of it going on.
Let’s first define panties-in-a-twist. I am not referring to the locker-room wedgie nor the very real scourge that afflicts female twenty-somethings in the wee hours in the women’s wee room. I’m speaking of the outrage expressed daily over things for which no outrage is called. For instance—
This past spring a seven-year-old boy was suspended from school for chewing his pop tart into the shape of a gun and allegedly pointing it at a classmate. Let that digest a moment. First, it’s a pop tart and it doesn’t even go POP! The toaster does that. Second, he’s seven. Catholics may hold you accountable for transgressions at that age but I challenge you to find a law in the New or Old Testament, and there are 613 Mosaic Laws, that covers toaster pastries. And third, IT’S A POP TART! And then there’s Red Robin.
There may be those who have never experienced dining at Red Robin. It belongs to the genre of dining establishments known as fast casual. This describes a restaurant that serves fancy fast food with a fancy price tag brought to your table by a casually dressed waitress in plastic baskets that are... whatever the adjective is that describes more casual than casual. I’d say disposable but I know they re-use the baskets. Recently, in an effort to broaden its appeal, Red Robin began running an ad in which a mom cheerfully explains that Red Robin offers a choice of “24 different burgers” including “a garden burger, in case your teen-age daughter is going through a phase.” That last part really ticked off the vegetarians. Which is confusing because I thought the whole point of being a vegetarian was to lower your cholesterol and make you more mellow.
Whatever happened to mellow? I think it was invented in the 1960’s in response to the uptight millenia that had preceded. But now even the people who invented mellow can’t manage it. And they’re the one’s who invented vegetarianism in response to food that tasted good.
I’m sure it’s clear at this point that I’m taking aim at my liberal tribe. It is my tribe. I care about its well-being. I guess I just expect more—more nuance, more live and let live, more Molly Ivins and less Sarah Palin. And for god sake when did we forget how to laugh? Teen-agers go through “phases” and it’s funny...when it’s not tragic. And tragedy makes great comedy. Ages 13-18 are five years of phases sub-divided into more phases occurring about every two-weeks. And how about nurturing creativity? I’ve eaten my share of pop tarts and not once did I see a gun to waiting emerge from that plain rectangle. I all I saw was a moat of unfrosted crust that had to be forded in order to get to the fruit-filled center.
These well-meaning bleeding hearts are also disturbing the natural order of things and who knows what the consequences might be. Liberals hold the White House and Senate; we are effectively in power. From our lofty seat of power we get to sneer dismissively like the ivory-tower elites we are constantly accused of being. Perhaps what is most troubling is that the voices from my tribe are starting to sound like the ones from that other tribe. You know the ones. The tribe whose priests huddle around the coffee table on Fox every morning from 6 – 9 a.m. ET. The world doesn’t need more “...and Friends.” It needs just enough to keep Jon Stewart supplied with material and we have that already with an ample reserve.
So let’s all take a deep-cleansing breath or toke and release those petty concerns about all things petty. Resist the temptation to give a self-righteous hitch to the trousers that too often puts a bunch in the boxers, a half-hitch in the demi-tasse. Better yet, go commando.
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Copyright © 2013 by James Knudsen
| Please comment |
You know James until now, I had always thought those crazy people were conservative---you know the same ones that want to remove books. But, After reading your article it has got me thinking and it dawned on me there has been no outcry from the left demanding the stupid crap be stopped. Real guns and knifes have no place in school...but make believe with your fingers or a Pop Tart.....
ReplyDeleteJames, very nice bit of writing. Panties in a twist? I grew up hearing "don't get your panties in a wad." Is that another of those East Coast/West Coast things? Not to bring seriousness to a light topic...which of course means I'm going to bring seriousness to a light topic...but lack of mellow is not the problem. People not being outraged enough to take action is the problem.
ReplyDeleteI was among those protesting in front of the Supreme Court after the Bush/Gore/Florida vote quagmire, and I still think we liberals were too polite, not too worked up. Look what happened to the country because we didn't start breaking some stuff and creating enough uproar to pull people away from their sitcoms and make them watch the news and get involved.
Yes, Democrats may hold the White House and the Senate, but do you really consider them liberals? An American president who orders the killing of people around the world based on sketchy evidence from our "intelligence" resources is a liberal? A Senate that goes along with the epic expansion of NSA resources and power is liberal?
Instead of not giving a half-hitch below the belt line, maybe everyone needs to go with a full twist so there would be no room for them to leave their heads embedded in that region. Coming up for air might force folks to take a good look around and see what is really going on, instead of living contentedly with a vulgar view that is comfortable only because it never changes.
Like I said, not to bring seriousness to a light topic...
gee, you write beautifully...i aspire. Uh, the other phrase i am fond of, "get your big girl panties on"...so..not pc..yet so right. and, at the moment, Democrats, liberal or not, dont seem to be in power. To me it seems that we and our nation's best interests, desired by the majority, are being held hostage the scared (but wealthy) few. It will be interesting to see what happens when/if Senate passes Immigration bill (however twisted and flawed it ends up being)with a lot of Republican votes, and then the few wont let it get thru the House. Pop tarts indeed.
ReplyDeleteMoto, please don't hold back---what do you really think? (big smile)
ReplyDeleteKono, my apologies I am sometimes overcome with bouts of politeness, and concern about maintaining Moristotle's PG-13 rating...
ReplyDeleteI was just wondering why the "undergarment emphasis" always seems to be geared towards women..."boxers in a wad", or "big boy boxers" is never mentioned. Why is that??? Just a thought!
ReplyDeleteSheila, interesting question. I am torn between guessing most such expressions come from a more sexist time when men liked to believe that only women and wimps got unduly upset, versus they were meant as a sign of respect in that a high percentage of effective activists were, and continue to be, women. Or it could be some of each, depending on who is saying it and their view of the world. Not unlike the difference between a Floridian describing his neighbor as a "tough redneck SOB" and someone from Brooklyn saying the same thing about the same person.
ReplyDeleteSheila, Moto, I did provide "bunch in the boxers."
ReplyDeleteMoto as to your previous post- yes, history will note that Bush 43 getting into office was a HUGE mistake. But a couple of points; one, liberals, in the main these days, tend to be more polite than their conservative counterparts. I get conservative "stuff" in my Facebook newsfeed and much of it is nauseating. But I would prefer that the left try and stay above the fray as much as possible. Perhaps, "stay above the fray" isn't accuarate, I just don't want us to sound stupid. Outlawing AK-47's is one thing, pop tart pistols is another.
As to whether the Senate and White House are controlled by liberals- isn't that on some sort of spectrum? And compared to a Sen. Inhofe, isn't Sen. Reid liberal? Ask for too much and you get Michael Moore in October of 2000 saying on Bill Maher's "Politically Incorrect" that Bush and Gore "are the same person." Really Michael, final answer?
Kono, yes you did go manly in your example, but I was agreeing with Sheila in general because I had never seen anyone do that before. Was that from the Mississippi in your background, or the Cali? (yes, smile)
ReplyDeleteLiberals do tend to be more polite, but if that allows one conservative to block the efforts of 10 liberals, what is the point of that? While I too think getting worked up over "pop tart pistols" is absurd, not getting worked up about the legislative process being hijacked by a tiny minority is equally ridiculous. Bush basically stole an election and took over as if he had a mandate. Obama won in the next thing to a landslide, and wasted two years acting like he was waiting for a recount. All the polls showed Americans strongly supported a single payer government-based health care program and he didn't even try to launch it while he had all the leverage. Instead we have the "Obamacare" sinkhole and all that goes with it, the Guantanamo prison is still there, and his lack of strong leadership helped give rise to the Tea Party and huge Republican gains in the mid-term elections. That is what being polite gets you. In my always mild and polite opinion, anyway.
How Michael Moore became the darling of any group has always puzzled me. To me he is as big a problem for liberals as the guy who says "women don't get pregnant from being raped" is to conservatives. Generic idiocy, carefully packaged and artfully presented, is still idiocy. Only an idiot could fail to see major differences between Bush and Gore, even if they were both slaves to their bases. That said, I do struggle to find the big differences between Bush and Obama, how about you?
Reading about The Red Robin in your post brings back pleasant memories for me. Back in the early 70’s I spent many hours at THE ORIGINAL Red Robin. It was located barely more than a mile from the University of Washington campus. (It was against local law to serve alcoholic beverages within a mile for the campus). The custom of most of us working at the Oceanography Department was to end the work week with a Friday lunch at The Red Robin. The beer flowed freely and the burgers were piled high with good stuff. Yummy! The work week was definitely over as it was impossible to accomplish anything meaningful the rest of the afternoon after such imbibing and feasting. Red Robin burgers get my vote as the tastiest burgers ever made. But that was back in the days when I was eating strictly for taste. No doubt the great actor, James Gandolfini, ate for taste right up until his last meal - “two orders of fried king prawns and a ‘large portion’ of foie gras” (French for “fat liver”) accompanied by “four shots of rum, two piña coladas and two beers”. It’s sad to have to make the choice between taste and health. But I did many years ago when I was roughly Gandolfini’s age. I can’t remember the last time I ate a "real" hamburger but I still drink beer.
ReplyDelete"Liberals hold the White House and Senate; we are effectively in power. "
ReplyDeleteI know that you know that is not the entire government, so the only explanation for this is blatant dishonesty. Here are the missing items: the House of Representatives, the Supreme Court, the filibuster, blue dog Democrats, centrist Democrats ... including Obama, numerous Republican governors and state houses, career bureaucrats, inertia, the pervasive effect of corporate money and lobbying ... did I say blatantly dishonest? How about flat-out lying, and dimwittedness too.
On top of that, no liberal called for or supports this suspension, asswipe.
Finally, what we have here is an example of a "Zero-tolerance policy" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zero_tolerance). Who generally supports such policies? Conservatives and reactionaries. Who generally opposes them? Liberals ... can you say ACLU? Notably, after the NRA exploited this kid by offering him a lifetime membership in the NRA, "Anne Arundel County Councilman Jamie Benoit announced he will fund another membership for Welch: the American Civil Liberties Union. Benoit says he wants the boy to have a chance at another point of view."
ReplyDeleteThat would make him more enlightened than you are.
Whoa! The Moristotle blog receives the most impassioned response I can remember. Marcel, to recycle Konotahe's question to me, above: Why don't you tell us how you really feel? A blast of fresh air is always refreshing - even if it bites a bit.
ReplyDeleteChuck, thank you for saying so. Paul was trying real, real hard to try to seem to be open and understanding. Either that or his sarcasm failed to get expressed...Or I have no idea what Paul was trying to say and I shouldn't comment?
DeleteImpassioned definition: Filled with or showing great emotion. Please note I didn't say "most factual" or "most enlightening" or "least ridiculous." Sometimes I do actually choose my words carefully, just not often enough, no doubt.
DeleteThat said...I still think we all benefit from the occasional blast of fresh air, even if it isn't as thought out, circumspect, or polite as most of us generally try to be.
And I do think James erred by saying "liberals" are in charge and overdoing it. The Democrats may or may not be in charge of some of what is going on right now, but to call Obama or Reid or even Pelosi a liberal in the face of all that has gone on under their watch within the NSA and predator drone programs is, I think, quite a reach.
Paul, my confusion came, not from your using "impassioned," but from your describing Mr. Kincaid's comments "fresh air" and "refreshing." Some other quality of air comes to mind.
DeleteTwo thoughts on the topic of fresh air:
DeleteYou know when you watch old movies, it's always the small parts you remember, the character actors who come in like a breath of fresh air. Amy Sedaris
Fresh air is good if you do not take too much of it; most of the achievements and pleasures of life are in bad air. Oliver Wendell Holmes
Perhaps I should have simply said "blast of air" instead of resorting to the expected cliche. Either way, the small part played by Mr. Kincaid (or possibly Ms. Kincaid, based on a bit of rudimentary research), provoked thought and response, and even if it was bad air instead of fresh from one side, it was a wind of change from the other.
Sorry, Paul. I think I left the impression I'm angry at YOU. I'm angry, rather, at Kincaid's arrogant on-line road rage. Passion is not an excuse for abusing people. One way that I'm not a liberal is that I think it imprudent to encourage such behavior.
DeleteI agree Obama isn't a liberal. That became obvious years ago. He's a pragmatic moderate at best.
Chuck, I assumed as much, but thank you for the clarification. Since the modern "liberal" standard seems to accept killing people around the world without due process, in the allegedly passionate defense of America and its citizens, I find it difficult to get too upset about what someone writes when impassioned. Adherence to facts is still a quaint idea, but since that seems to have gone the way of liberalism as we knew it, I now begrudgingly accept hand-grenade accuracy rather than pinpoint precision. Mainly, I at least softly applaud just about any feedback that prompts more discussion.
DeletePaul, since so much gets said in passion, it is a wise discipline to react with only a small degree of upset, which is probably less tolerable than the grudgy feeling that accompanies accepting scatter-shot accuracy. I admire the length you are willing to go to encourage discussion.
DeleteOkay, I meant to say invigorating instead of refreshing. Like many others, I edit best after I press Publish.
ReplyDelete"Invigorating" is not the quality of air that comes to mind either.
Delete