Ask Wednesday: Ask Susan

About women's attitudes toward how they look

By Susan C. Price

[Questions are followed by answers and then, inevitably by ADVICE...you DID expect that...didn’t you? Today we have two questions, from Kathleen and Deborah.]

Do women ever get to an age where they don’t worry about their looks or weight? I know women in their 80’s who are still concerned, and it is discouraging as I would love to get to the place where vanity is not such a “big thing” in my life. –Kathleen

Excellent place to aspire to. This pre-occupation is boring and silly. (Uh, so we thought we’d always look as we did in our...20s??? Really? Lack of simple, observable logic, helllooo.)
    Why would this topic still demand our attention? Well, we spent most of our formative years convinced, via this society and its commercialism, that our looks were a critical part of our identity and “success.” Your looks defined who you were by high school, and there are data to suggest that your looks defined which jobs you got, and certainly, who wanted to date/mate with you. (And women’s looks have always been more crucial, and narrowly defined, than men’s.)
    Now the advice. For some of us, getting to that acceptance place is not easy. So far, at almost 65, I have not gotten over this issue. I am working on it. I know some wonderful women who never had it (there is always one, ya know?:-)). I know some who are very quiet about it (what’s up with that? Whining is my birthright, right?)
    To try and get to this “clearer” place, I keep pointing out to myself how beautiful I find most older women. They seem without pretense or guile. Their wrinkles, just an expression of experience. And I laugh at myself…a lot.
    But, there is no denying that the face and body I now see in the mirror (some mirrors are kinder than others…assume it depends on my mood?) are distinctly different than the ones I was used to seeing.
    I did have one break-through, when I realized that jowls were not my fault. There was nothing I had done wrong in diet, exercise or worry to “merit” them. They just...are. This strikes me as funny.
    Mostly, I focus on thinking that this is a very different life, with many old pastimes and pre-occupations gone, and many new and wonderful experiences to enjoy. So, I don’t need to worry about which group in high school likes me, or which job I’m going to get, or whom I am going to marry...so now I can....do anything I want....

Why do some women get so hung up on wearing makeup? –Deborah

I’m guessing you mean, they won’t set foot outside their dwelling without it? And, they constantly look for new products that will be “magic”?
    Hmm. Well my thinking is that:

• They think they look better with it, than without it. The current state of the visible community says, “Women look better with makeup.” It’s a general American suburban and urban custom.
      An example of how community standards work on personal self care: I remember clearly when a European young woman came to our Southern California junior high and did NOT shave her legs or underarms. Whooee, was that considered strange/wrong!
      And, due to factors already mentioned (see answers to Kathleen’s question above), we are all conditioned to think about how we look...a LOT, and all of the pervasive marketing tells us we must add makeup, and if these are “maturing” women…the issues of appearance have more freight…see answer above also.
      Sometimes, it almost feels like a civic duty to buy many products (“Uh, they are making a zillion of these mascaras. I MUST need one?” “If 70% of our economy is based on spending by consumers, I MUST do my part.?”)

• Makeup (and clothing) can be a creative pastime. Working with color and pattern is fun. Maybe, as an artist, this appeals more to me than to others?
      What to do about friends with this focus?
      As I’ve mentioned before, listening is good. Accepting your pals as they are, even when you don’t fully understand them…is nice, and lessens the stress on all sides.
      A friend of mine, a beautiful woman who is also retired, complained when I showed up for our monthly dinner and theatre “date” without makeup. “I want you to put a face on when we get together.” This was a rare comment from her. She is not one who is overly concerned with such matters, nor one who criticizes often, and I admire her style of maturing, so I gave her point consideration.
      I decided that I also feel that my face looks better...um, clearer, more focused...with some mascara and some cover-up of the reddish parts and some gloss, if not lipstick. So, I ensure that I “face-up” for her, and for most “seeing people outside my dwelling” activities. At home alone with the dude, or at the gym/dance studio, I don’t.

[We would really like more questions to answer, so send ’em in….]
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Copyright © 2013 by Susan C. Price

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