Ask Wednesday: Ask Susan

About how to advise someone thinking about getting married

By Susan C. Price

[Questions are followed by answers and then, inevitably by ADVICE...you DID expect that...didn’t you?]

The son of a friend is planning to get engaged and married. As an older person, I have so much knowledge gained...from my own life and observation of others. I have seen what appear to be basic "failure to discuss" divorce-producing flaws in so many relationships. Even couples who have lived together before a wedding, can find that the traditional assumptions about "marriage" can make for problems once the reception is over. What would YOU suggest these young people review before they commit? –Anonymous

Hmm, always tricky to give advice that has NOT been asked for. Try this:

As I have lived longer than you, and seen and heard a bit, I think you would not hurt your love and respect for each other by considering the following questions before you take your vows. I suggest you each answer the following questions separately, then get together to discuss your answers.
    If a question feels uncomfortable, I suggest you give it a day or two break, but go back to it. “Uncomfortable” now, in a safe “just discussing” space, can become very threatening in the context of legally binding marriage and issues that arise: where to live, how to live, what to spend money on, and how to raise children.
    It may seem quite crass to bring up money first in relation to love...but, since money and the control of it are really about power, you can use this to review how you both want to make decisions for your partnership. As there will be many decisions to be made in a relationship...it’s a good idea to feel out how you do that.

• Who in a relationship handles money? Who pays for what? What amount is an “extravagance”? What amount is too small to merit mentioning? Will your funds be comingled or how will you handle income and expenses? List your top 10 priorities for spending money. Have you made a budget and lived within it?
• Who is responsible for household maintenance? (This includes, cooking, cleaning dishes and clothes, sweeping and vacuuming floors, taking out the garbage, caring for pets, making major repairs to your dwelling, doing yardwork, and on and on.) How is this decided? Does this feel fair?
• Do you want to have children? How many? How will they be cared for and by whom from birth to school age? If that does not involve one of you being a stay-at-home parent, what will that care cost? What have you seen/experienced in child rearing that you admire, and that you don’t.
• What religion do you subscribe to or practice? Are you active and attending services? How often? Do you plan to raise any children in that religion?
• Are you comfortable with clutter, and with keeping many papers and decor items, or do you prefer a clutter-free environment? Are you a procrastinator? In most things, or just in some? Be specific.
• Have you recently made any decision as a couple that felt uncomfortable, either in the resulting decision or the process? Discuss.
• What is your relationship to your family? Whom do you see, how often? Do you expect that to change? Are you comfortable or uncomfortable with the family of your partner? Would they assume that a relative could live with you if they were broke, or ill?
• What do you two share?
• What is your vision of your next 20 years for yourself, then for your partner, and then for your relationship? Include anything that comes to mind: employment, education, health, hobbies, travel....
• Do you make weird sounds? Does he/she? (Hint: If you can’t laugh together, think twice before you are legally bound.)

Please let me know whether you tried this and what the result was.
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Copyright © 2013 by Susan C. Price

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