Ask Wednesday: Ask Susan

About a granddaughter who won't talk to you anymore

By Susan C. Price

[Questions are followed by answers and then, inevitably by ADVICE...you DID expect that...didn’t you?]

My granddaughter doesn’t talk to me anymore. I don’t know how to make up with her. Can you advise me? I’m not sure what the problem is. –[Penny]

Dear Penny, so very sorry. I understand how painful this is.
    Good start that you DON’T know what the problem/issue is. That suggests your mind is open. Let’s hope that your granddaughter’s mind gets open as well.
    Depending on her age (I’m betting it’s somewhere between 13 and 40?)...she might not know why she is avoiding you, either.
    Of course, it might well be nothing you have done or said, or not done or said. There have certainly been times in my life where my “talking to...” some older relative decreased dramatically,..and it had to do with my life, and my concerns.
    I suggest you:

• Try carefully asking one of her parental units...requesting that they keep the conversation private. Realize that, if you have been...mean, ill-informed, boring, or stupid with the g-daughter...it might be just as hard for this child of yours to tell you that...as for the g-daughter. And, yes, we can all be guilty of those errors. Without noticing. Communication is so very hard.
  
• Go direct...carefully. Find a time and place that is almost natural, and not interruptible. Script yourself ahead of the meeting.
      Or, write your questions, and then put them away for a day and rewrite them. Repeat this process. If you have a non-judgmental friend who can read your comments, and provide constructive feedback, do that. ALL before you “hit SEND.”
      Try to explain without blaming...that you don’t enjoy losing a friend (I have lost a few and still wonder/worry). Tell her that knowing what did not work for her will help you keep improving your own communication skills. (We all need to keep working on this forever...it seems to me.)
      Mention what you feel you are missing from the lost relationship. Do not tell her what you think she needs from you. And maybe it’s time to ask what she does need/desire from your relationship...if she is over 20?
      Avoid blame and guilt. There is no rule that says she has to talk to you...is there?
• Wait. Life changes. Keep your mind, heart, phone line, door, Facebook account, and home open.
• If the lack of communication continues, keep acting the way you want to with her. Be the example of the way you hope she can be...again, someday. Send her notes...now and then, send her presents and cards. Just don’t go into “stalking” mode.
      Then, when she is ready...(they do grow and change)...you will still be there...waiting and welcoming.

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Copyright © 2013 by Susan C. Price

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