Saturday, December 24, 2016

The Loneliest Liberal: Reasons for the season

By James Knudsen

Desperate as I usually am for something to base my monthly column on, I thought to spend a few words on Christmas. The winter holiday has, for some time now, been part of the social discourse in ways it never was. “The War on Christmas,” nativity scenes banned from the public square, stockings filled incorrectly because Santa ate one too many pot-laced cookies – this 2,000-year-old holiday is being asked to deal with issues it was never meant to tackle.
    Fortunately, Paul Ryan is right for once, let the market handle it. And it’s true, capitalism, in partnership with select non-profits, has arrived in its one-horse open sleigh, pulled by a gleaming white steed, kept warm under a blanket of WIC vouchers that never should have existed in the first place. Let’s take a look at the efforts of these fine organizations. Their slogans really are the best part, so I’ve decided to lead off with those.

“Reason, is the reason.” The Philosophers Society Cooperative (PSYCO) believes – obviously something like this can’t be known – that it is never too early to start removing the idea of magic from a child’s mind. With this in mind – or consciousness, if you subscribe to the idea that the mind is really just a state of consciousness – we here at PSYCO are making available a series of “Winter Solstice” gift ideas…ideas is really the wrong term here, gift items for the deluded loved ones in your circle of acquaintances. For the crystal rubbing, granola munching sister-in-law you wish you could relegate to the eighth circle of hell – the eighth circle of hell being fraud…my apologies, of course you already knew that – for this individual we recommend PSYCO’s Astronomical Slide Map. This poster-sized map features a rotating transparency on which are printed the astrological constellations. By rotating the transparency, the actual position of the constellation can be determined and, by doing so, we can show that your sister-in-law is in fact not a Cancer, but a Gemini, which explains the tin-foil on the inside of her watchcap. Rationis, est ratione…I mean Reason, is the reason.

“Season, is the reason!” That’s right, what makes the holidays special is, seasoning! And no seasoning says Christmas like Seasoned Salt. The best chefs on Guy Fieri’s Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives use it on everything and everyone, so you know it’s gotta be good. Did I say, “good”? I meant Great! It’s GOOD for you! It’s packed with salt, a necessary nutrient, and, as an added bonus, sugar! So the next time your smug sister-in-law from one of those “enlightened” coasts asks if you’ve tried pink salt from Afghanistan, and the question, along with just the very presence of that heathen whore at your Christmas table, makes you want to scream, and the only thing that makes the resentment, regret, and rage go away is stabbing the shrimp cocktail fork into your thigh…remember, nothing stops the bleeding like Seasoned Salt. Because Season, is the reason!

“Teasin’, is the reason.” Ladies, when the kiddies are tucked in their beds, and the stockings are filled with junk that’s going to be re-gifted at next year’s Christmas party, and the organic turkey that cost a small fortune – but it has to be organic because that stupid slut your brother married only eats “clean,” whatever that means – is defrosting in the kitchen sink, and you’re finally able to get some peace, he shows up and tells you he’s been thinking about getting a little “piece” all day. This year, instead of rolling your eyes you return his lascivious leer with a knowing smile and a gaze thru narrowed lids that, if he was smart, he’d turn his attention back to assembling the Legos Death Star. He’s not smart, so you excuse yourself to slip into something more comfortable and return in a black-leather-bra-and-panty ensemble that looks soooo enticing in the dim winter solstice light. “Nicht Heute Nacht,” you purr. He thinks it’s French, it’s not. It’s the name of your lingerie, and it’s German for Not Tonight! Maybe not ever, Nicht Heute Nacht features the finest German craftsmanship and the most complex clasps ever devised. It’ll be the spring equinox before your rum-soaked Romeo gets these off you. You smile, a different smile, a satisfied smile, content that you’re not the only one not getting what they want for Christmas. Nicht Heute Nacht, because Teasin’, is the reason.

Copyright © 2016 by James Knudsen


  1. Thank you James I needed a good laugh this morning.

  2. Thank you. Now I'm wondering which circle of hell this essay warrants.

  3. thanks to both James and Vic and Shirley, joys of the season, baked goods and snark, my favorite dish

  4. The best gift is laughter! Thanks.