The Loneliest Liberal:Sampling the holiday seasoning

By James Knudsen

There is no avoiding it, we are officially in “The Holiday Season.” Let’s take at look at what people are doing around the country.

In Wichita, Kansas, recently defeated gubernatorial candidate Chris Kobach, upon hearing that the lime jello salad mold had been made with “olive oil mayonnaise,” was heard grousing, “I knew I detected a definite ‘ethnic’ note.”

At the McCarthy McMansion in Irvine, California, one more place setting was provided when the hosts’ long-lost Aunt Morning Star (given name, Diane) suddenly materialized after spending the previous 37 years on a communal farm in the soon-to-be-recognized state of Jefferson. After hectoring the hostess for serving a factory-farmed turkey, “Diane” consumed two helpings of “subsidized slaughter,” along with a third serving of stuffing with gravy.

College freshman Meghan Downs spent her five-day break from classes sleeping on a couch. Upon her arrival at the place she had called “home” for eighteen years, she found her bedroom serving as a man-cave for her father and fourteen-year-old brother, Gunner. Mr. Downs and son were discovered playing foosball in the glow of the 75-inch LED flat-screen TV that hangs in the spot once occupied by a shrine to feminist author Joyce Carol Oates.

The retail commerce-clogged streets of Manhattan were the sight of some holiday mistaken identity. Twenty-five-year-old IT worker Josh Johnson was the recipient of a cash windfall of nearly one hundred dollars. Some well-meaning New Yorkers (although it is believed that most were tourists), apparently believing that Johnson, a recent MIT grad, was homeless, showered him with unsolicited donations. Johnson explained, “I da’ know, I was just sitting on the sidewalk waiting for Best Buy to open so I could score a smokin’ deal on the new PS4 game console. Worked out, though, I got enough cash in spare change and small bills to cover the price of a copy of Red Dead: Redemption 2. Sweet!”

In another dimension entirely, Saints Peter and Matthew, bitter enemies for over 2,000 years, squabbled yet again (this time while eating roasted squab) over their depiction in the Gospels. Simon Peter repeated his assertion that Matthew is a sell-out and a Roman stooge. Matthew maintained that Peter’s stupidity and the ease with which he can change his mind are the reasons a basilica is named after him. Their most recent bickering meant that thousands of pleas for divine intervention in the Thanksgiving Day football games went unheeded and NFL fans everywhere were left disappointed and disillusioned.

And finally, at the Mar-a-Lago Country Club in Palm Beach, Florida, President Trump reportedly gave thanks for the recent Democratic gains in the House of Representatives, explaining that “this nightmare of living in D.C. may end sooner than I expected.” As in 2016, his views are shared by a majority of Americans.

Copyright © 2018 by James Knudsen