Goines On: Without exclamation

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Mrs. Goines said to Goines, “I saw you outside without a coat on.” It had frozen overnight, and the temperature was still in the 30s. It was Mrs. Goines’ way of reminding Goines he hadn’t followed one of her recommendations, which failing she seemed to him to take a bit too personally, almost as an affront.
    Her saying that to him reminded Goines of something from 45 years earlier. He was in psychotherapy for some “emotional problems,” and he told his therapist about frequently having the oppressive feeling that his wife was watching him. He would be in the back yard, say, mowing the lawn, and the feeling of her being at one of their windows watching him would haunt his every move.
    Though he could remember that back-yard episode, there were many others he had thrown out of mind entirely, to be no longer in his brain, no longer recallable. He wondered now whether the feeling of being uninvitedly watched, and sometimes chastised, had motivated acts that he didn’t report to her, but kept hidden, for himself alone – like sneaking an ice cream bar or mini-pie at the grocery store? The thought reminded him that he needed to be more careful about discarding the wrapper and, if he ate it in the car, cleaning up the crumbs.
    It was childish, in a way, to hide things from her like that, and he knew it, and being outside “without a coat on” was a good example – for, even as he did it, he was aware that, according to her, he “should” put his coat on. For he believed – he had to believe – that she meant well by it, meant it as an act of caring for him, an act of love. Maybe all that he was reacting against, really, was her “bad cop” way of expressing it. For the way she said it sounded like – came across in the tone of – a reprimand, a ding.
    The Goineses seemed to be wired differently, and it was just the way they were. Goines would interject something in as neutral a tone as he could manage, and Mrs. Goines would reply as though he had just criticized her. If she, for example, mentioned setting water on the table for dinner, and he said (neutrally), “I already set it,” she might say (defensively, it seemed to him), “Well, I didn’t know that!” (Most things she said like this included the exclamation point.)
    Was she, so far as she was concerned, speaking as neutrally as he was speaking – so far as he was concerned? Goines could hardly think of a sadder burden for a married couple to bear together. He could only go on assiduously speaking as neutrally as he possibly could and silently removing her exclamation points as unintended, to disarm them from feeling hurtful.
    Goines startled himself the next day while raking leaves when he caught himself earnestly hoping that Mrs. Goines was watching him, was seeing how diligently he was applying himself to raking leaves. He wondered with a renewed sense of hope whether he had always only wanted for her to look at him, but to do so with appreciation and approval rather than with objection and criticism. He knew that she did appreciate him; and she occasionally said so.

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