June. Summertime. Vacation. Committee Hearings. It’s reminiscent of the summer of 1973, except summer school programs are a thing of the past thanks to the efforts of Howard Jarvis and Grover Norquist. Millions of Americans are watching the hearings, millions are not. One particular American is watching the hearings and making notes in crayon and these notes may well have the greatest impact on our nation in the years to come. That particular American is the particularly loathsome former President Donald J. Trump.
A major finding of the January 6th Committee has been the revelation that former Vice-President Mike Pence came within 40 feet of the mob. Quick thinking by the Secret Service detail assigned to the Vice-President saved the former Hoosier Governor from an ignoble end: another four years as Trump’s Vice-President. Mr. Trump has come to understand that he would have benefited from some inside help on January 6, 2021. More accurately, he would have benefited from more inside help.o
The former President is taking his time away from the Happy Meal to consider what he could have done differently leading up to the 2020 election. One moment that gnaws at his psychosis is his return to the White House following his stay at Walter Reed Hospital, staggeri— striding up to the balcony to render a salute to a still to be determined object, wearing the traditional “uniform” of the head of state. Never one to shy away from smashing norms that have served the republic for over 240 years, Trump wonders aloud to the talking clown statue to taking his order of, two Big Macs, three large French fries, and a chocolate shake, if perhaps donning a uniform in the style of former dictator of Libya, Muammar Gaddafi might have been the way to go.
One of the most talked about moments of the hearings was the taped testimony of former Senior White House Advisor, and daughter, of the former, one-term President, Ivanka Trump. This is reported to have been viewed as a betrayal of the highest order by Mr. Trump, and he immediately informed his inner circle, the maid, the bus boy, and his caddy, that his son Eric Trump is now his favorite child. The announcement catapulted Eric, who previously had been considered “Most Likely To Be Told, ‘You were adopted,’” to the top of the sibling pile. And it has created a fractious family environment, numerous squabbles, and painful soul searching by Donald, Ivanka, and Tiffany. Don, Jr. is reportedly feeling at peace for the first time in his life.
The fallacious statements made by the former attorney to Donald Trump, Rudy Guiliani, have been a source of embarrassment for all homo sapiens. Adding to the humiliation endured by all mankind was his appearance at the Republican National Committee headquarters sixteen days after the 2020 election. During the press conference, dark brown rivulets of an unknown liquid began streaming down Guiliani’s face. Trump, always conscious of appearances, was so shocked he pondered changing his own hair style on the grounds that, “this natural look isn’t working for me.”
Completely unrelated to the January 6th Hearings: According to sources the former one-term President, who never received a majority of the vote, “just wants to feel loved.”
The hearings have made it clear that in the days and weeks following the 2020 election, the Trump Campaign engaged in a relentless effort to raise money on the basis of election fraud that never existed. Donald J. Trump, the former, one-term President who never received the most votes in two elections, has realized this was a mistake. Telling followers who struggle to make their mortgage to send you money to help you prove something that never happened could have legal consequences. On the other hand, it is entirely possible that a man in his late seventies will at some point need a hip replacement.
With at least one hearing remaining, this list is incomplete, but not finished.
| Copyright © 2022 by James Knudsen |
James, another “just wants to feel loved” note of Trump’s (yesterday, upon hearing the Court’s decision on Roe v. Wade): “Remind Melania her body’s mine, damn it, so don’t push me off.”
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