From “The Scratching Post”: The Great Hurdle

By Ken Marks

[From the original on The Scratching Post, May 26, 2023, published here by permission of the author.]

Humans, being social animals, have a dread that surpasses all others, including death. It’s the dread of becoming an outsider. Getting over this hurdle is the foremost task of our lives.
    Outsiders despair of finding a social niche. They’re not like prison convicts in this regard. Convicts find acceptance, albeit dubious, in their own populations. Nor are outsiders like those we ostracize. An ostracized person has been deliberately excluded from the company of others. Outsiders are people who simply drift away from social norms, like an unmoored boat that gradually moves into the open sea. The most common word for them is loner. The cruelest among us prefer to say loser.
    Sadly, many do not clear the hurdle. Their fate is suicide, the second leading cause of death in America for 10- to 14-year-olds and 25- to 34-year-olds. Those who do clear the hurdle owe their lives to strong psychological defenses, perhaps complemented by some just-in-time therapy.
    For both groups, the challenge to their selfhood presents itself in the same way. As preschoolers, the value of conformity and popularity become disturbingly clear. Adults coach us on the rewards of “going along,” but they needn’t take the trouble. Then comes the terrible realization that social acceptance is far from certain. Some kids reject you because of something “off” about you. Some are just plain mean. Sometimes neighbors are too, like the old man who curses at you when your ball rolls into his yard. Even teachers can be openly unfriendly. They’re doing “hard time,” and therefore so should you. That’s when our defenses kick in. Most of us see we’re not the only ones who are hurting, and alliances form. These are what I call affiliations of the wounded.
    Along with the affiliations comes a nascent identity, an assemblage of descriptors we sort into “that’s me” and “that’s not me.” The sorting requires a painful self-assessment. To soothe the pain, we attach our identity to palliatives. They are calming, habit-forming behaviors that are introduced to us by our affiliations. Their effects can be constructive or destructive, or they can be harmless quirks. They take hold of us for a lifetime.
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[Read the rest on The Scratching Post.]

Copyright © 2023 by Ken Marks Ken Marks was a contributing editor with Paul Clark & Tom Lowe when “Moristotle” became “Moristotle & Co.” A brilliant photographer, witty conversationalist, and elegant writer, Ken contributed photographs, essays, and commentaries from mid-2008 through 2012. Late in 2013, Ken birthed the blog The Scratching Post. He also posts albums of his photos on Flickr.