Ask Wednesday: Ask Susan

How can I contact my birth mother without hurting my adoptive parents?

By Susan C. Price

[Questions are followed by answers and then, inevitably by ADVICE...you DID expect that...didn’t you?]

I have known for many years that I was adopted by my parents and I love them very much. I have now found out from an agency that my birth mother wants to contact me as she is seriously ill. This has thrown my whole world into a quandary as I don’t want to hurt my parents but am curious about my birth mother even though up till now I had not been the slightest bit interested in where I began!
    Please help me make the right decision. –Adopted Child

Dear Adopted:
    I think that your evident concern for the feelings of all parties suggests that you will make good choices, and handle the communication of those choices with tact and concern. Trust your upbringing and know that you have the capacity for wise choices.
    I feel that most folks who chose to adopt and are good parents (you love them, they must be good :-)) have the maturity to understand that children should explore, and that a child can be concerned about and love more than one nice person at a time. So they should not feel excessively hurt or threatened by any contact. Just don’t keep them in the dark.
   I suggest you start alone first and list all the action options you can think of, and the possible results, such as:

• Do nothing – result: I am still curious, feel bad that I let a sick woman down, my parents feel no change (except that you are bothered and, being good parents, they will notice this and be concerned).
• Don’t tell my parents but contact my birth mother – result: I am no longer curious...but feel weird that I did not tell my parents...and they sense this....

Some things to consider:

• how you feel: what is comfortable, what is not?
• why the birth mother might be contacting you NOW?
• how to contact your birth mother (over the phone or internet, visit in person)?
• how and when to inform your parents of the request and your actions?

This exercise can help you anticipate (…maybe,...life is full of surprises, and mostly that’s fun) and it can help you avoid the real yucky results.
    As your parents are good parents, they might also be the next place to go with the results of your considerations. They can help you decide what to do and how to do it. If that seems to challenging, pick another trusted adult in your life. You don’t need to walk this particular path all by yourself.
    Hope this expands your circle of love. If your birth mother is wise (and she was smart enough to know that you needed someone else or someone more than she was at that time....), then she is seeking to give, as well as to receive, friendship, companionship, love. If she is just a taker, your “spidey-sense” will figure that out quickly. Good luck.

[We would really like more questions to answer, so send ’em in….]
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Copyright © 2014 by Susan C. Price

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