Ask Wednesday: Ask Susan

How can we protect our mother's money from a sibling she can't refuse to write checks for?

By Susan C. Price

[Questions are followed by answers and then, inevitably by ADVICE...you DID expect that...didn’t you?]

After the death of our father, a younger brother has taken advantage of our mother (who is 80) to help himself to her money. He has already gotten almost $40,000, including getting her to pay for a new truck for him. She can't refuse him. He lives nearby. An older brother lives in the next state. I’m the only daughter and live about 20 miles away.
    To stop the younger brother somehow, I arranged with Mom at her bank to become a required co-signer on her checks. But she doesn't like the inconvenience, and she asked me yesterday if I would sign some blank ones. I said I wouldn't, because that would be the same as my not signing at all and the younger brother would have relatively easy access to more of her money.
    Today it got worse because Mom brought blank checks for me to sign even though I've said time and again I wouldn't. She got mad and said she will forge my signature. I think it was her diminished mind talking mainly.
    To top it off, the younger brother called today and wants to come see me. I hadn't heard anything from him since a few weeks back, when he texted me, "F--k you, Little Hitler!" for trying to protect our mother's money from him. I really don't want to see or talk to him, as I don't trust him. Mom will just have to stay mad if she wants to, but I know what he is capable of. He has told me and the other brother about cussing Mom & Dad and flipping them off in their faces, etc. I am sure he is capable of violence. My older brother and I want this to STOP. Life has been hard enough without this too.
    What should we do? –Dee

Dear Dee and Family:
    Yup, this one is really hard. And it sounds like anger and other lacks of kindness and clear communication have also affected your family.
    The basic alternatives to this pain you are feeling are:

1. Let it go. Let your mother do what she wants with her money and just hug her when you see her and love her. Don't try to control her.
2. Get in and make it clearer. Get your brothers and your mother together, and probably a doctor and/or geriatric consultant. Figure out where she is at and what procedures and controls will make it all easier for her.

Neither alternative feels exactly right, I know...but those are the alternatives. And you get to choose what to do.
    Your mother's anger in a situation such as you describe is typical of dementia. Everyone hates to lose control. It's like a 3-year-old...but with a larger vocabulary. Your mother may no longer have the capacity to clarify what is bothering her, why she needs the money, etc. So, yup, you may well be dealing with some dementia-onset with your mother, and that is frightening for you, and no one can make it stop. But there are things you and your older brother can do to help your mother become more comfortable, less agitated, and to manage your own feelings. Sounds like the younger brother cannot be managed, and likely cannot be changed. Try to avoid him as much as possible.
    What you and your family may choose to do is discuss what you know. Accept that this might be dementia. And get it affirmed by a doctor...consult a geriatrician and any other dementia help organization/local consultant (Alzheimer's Association is a good place to start). Read the The 36-Hour Day book, available at libraries, book stores, online, to help YOU understand what you might be facing. [The 36-Hour Day: A Family Guide to Caring for People Who Have Alzheimer Disease, Related Dementias, and Memory Loss, by Nancy L. Mace & Peter V. Rabins]

Some other suggestions:

1. You don't have to see or talk to anyone that you are not comfortable with. Making this clear in a family can have consequences...but it can keep you more comfortable. We are NOT always friends with our siblings. So tell your younger brother you are not comfortable seeing him right now (not alone, anyway).
2. If you and your older brother are in agreement on the need to manage your younger brother and/or your mom, a joint family meeting with your mother can be useful. If any of you feel you must include the younger brother in this session, then it is vital to have a trusted outsider there as well: pastor, church, or other group friend, etc.

Suggested topics for family discussion:

1. Mom's expectations of her money, how to spend it now, how to disperse it at her death. Is she running out of money, has she unpaid bills? What is the concern here?
2. Who does she want to talk/work with in managing her life and affairs?
3. Does she need any assistance in affairs of daily living, like paying bills? Tread gently here. Frequently, elders have some awareness that something is going on, but no one likes to face dementia. A joint visit to her General Practitioner can also be one way to explore these issues. If she is truly in dementia, and a doctor confirms that, you can get her Power of Attorney via a lawyer, and then the bank can give you more control. Be careful here...this can change how she feels about you and herself, and how your siblings feel, and it is more work and responsibility for you.
4. If Mom is willing for you to have some fiscal control, perhaps the bank will allow you to pay her bills online, and you keep most of the paper checks.

The "last mile" can be challenging for everyone. Your goal is to try to figure out what is going on and face it and help your mother and yourself and the rest of your family walk this mile with grace and good humor.

[We would really like more questions to answer, so send ’em in….]
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Copyright © 2014 by Susan C. Price

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