Ask Wednesday: Ask Susan

About giving advice that a person can hear

Edited by Morris Dean

During the venerable run of your “Ask Susan” columns, whenever we have forwarded you a question, you have always seemed to rub your palms together in delight, often replying within only two or three days. Giving advice seems to be your métier, or calling. What do you think of that? Does it feel like a calling, or just what does it feel like to you?
    You should just know by now that i will resist any labeling whatsoever. Not my calling, just something you thought of (tho, weird, i was thinking of the same thing when you mentioned it) and i love doing it.

Have you just always had this “calling” (or whatever it is)?
    Nope.

Have you thought much about the “art of giving advice”? Please think about it now.
    No.

Of what does it consist, for you?
    Oh hell: 1. Be nice, say you accept/understand the questioners feelings in the matter, 2. try to explain what might be going on, and 3. give some ideas on how to explore the options and what a good resolution might be.
    If the questioner is annoyed at someone else’s doing/not doing something THEY think should be done, try to suggest the questioner should be willing to help the “offender” do the thing. And let folks know that most stuff from/about other folk is NOT UNDER THEIR CONTROL AND NOT THEIR BUSINESS. Which of course applies to this writer as well , and Q & A offers me the opportunity to give advice, which my normal day-to-day life does not...as nobody’s “stuff” IS my business...dang...i clearly know ALL the answers....

Would you expect that another intelligent person would be able to follow your advice about giving advice?
    No, not necessarily.

What qualities or personal attributes tend to render a person an able advice-giver?
    A person needs to be clever, cute, empathetic, funny. But most folks don’t care.

Did having the ability to give helpful advice play much of a role in your long professional career as a “helper” in California state governmental agencies? You use that term in your staff bio. What kind of role did it play?
    No role, not that sort of helper. What i mean in that context is that i was NOT the person who thought up programs in Welfare, Welfare Audits, Affordable Housing...Creativity for Seniors...I helped the folks who did think programs up, make the programs work, pay for them, watch the budgets, pay the bills, etc....

So, that professional career didn’t help develop your art?
    Nope.

Occasionally, when you’ve submitted a reply to a question we’ve forwarded, you’ve expressed some concern that you may have been “mean” in answering the person’s question – even when your editor could detect no such thing in your reply. How did you develop the art of making advice palatable to the person you’re giving it to?
    They asked for advice...so they might be ready to hear advice. Most of us launch into giving advice so readily...without being asked...ahem...certain persons who read this should consider if i am referring to them....
    To get to the point of asking questions for advice, it is clear that the questioner has much energy, anger, concern, etc. around the question...So, in starting to give advice, first just acknowledge that they have feelings. Doesn't mean that anyone would AGREE with their issues or feelings....

Would you please state a few tips for giving advice in a way that the person can “hear” it?
    Don’t use words or concepts beyond 8th grade, re-read and rewrite until it seems crystal clear and NICE (even then, you can goof).
    Don’t blame or accuse. No one will hear what you say after that.

Surely you’ve experienced one or two occasions, when giving advice to someone in person, of miscalculating what the person could “hear.” Care to share such an experience, and what you learned from it?
    That happens often, but i can’t think of an example. I just try, over and over and over again, to remember to keep my trap shut most of the time.

1. Did they really ASK for my opinion?
2. Do they really need it, want it?
3. Check again.
4. Watch out for TMI and just yakking on. THIS IS NOT YOUR OPPORTUNITY TO AIR YOUR LIFE AND SUCCESSES AND FAILURES, stick to the one point.

You have never proposed a question that we might present as having come from someone else, but I suspect that there might be a question or two that you would love for someone to ask, if they only would. For example?
    Hmmm. No, not one of those days. Today i know i know...nothing about anything, so have not got the answers to anything.

During the time that “Ask Susan” has run, have you experienced personal problems that you yourself felt you needed advice for dealing with them? Did you ask anyone for advice? Who’s your go-to person for advice?
    Anyone who can stand to listen. Then my therapist when i’ve decided i have bored everyone else long enough.

Do you think that a person in need of advice is more likely to take the advice of a stranger with credentials over the advice of someone the person knows, however qualified the known person may be to provide advice? Why is that?
    A stranger/credentialed or not wins every time...PARTICULARLY when the non-stranger is a parental unit.

Why do you think that is?
    Don't really know...but i observe it to be true. Shame, guilt maybe.

What questions were you expecting or wanting us to ask you about advice-giving, but we didn’t think of them?
    We are done here.

Copyright © 2015 by Morris Dean