Saturday, October 24, 2015

Fourth Saturday’s Loneliest Liberal: If Jesus is the answer…

By James Knudsen

“If Jesus is the answer, what was the question?”

Are we playing Jeopardy?
Who needed a really good lawyer 2,000 years ago?
Who should have sent someone to tag along with Judas Iscariot?
Was he really God?
Did he really want to be God?
Those last two would have got me into a heap of trouble in Catholic school. I might not have invoked the Jesuit tradition of a rigorous examination of scripture, but I think a talking-to from someone with a collar would have been in the offing.
What do you get the man who has everything?
Really? If a man has everything, he probably has it by virtue of having a lot of money, and Jesus is going to tell him to give it to the poor. Jesus had better come with a gift receipt ’cuz the man who has everything is returning him for store credit.
Who is buried in Grant’s tomb?
Well, it would explain the empty one in Jerusalem.
How do you keep pork chops from drying out?
Jesus, the kosher rabbi, suggests using rib-eye beef steaks.
Why do fools fall in love?
…if it happened at a wedding in Canaan, while the fool and the maid of honor were plotzed on this special wine that appeared out of nowhere, then yes. Besides, fools will fall for anything.
WTF? [Why the face?]
Usually asked because you’re worried He might be watching.
How you doin’?
Joey Tribbiani clearly had better luck meeting girls in Catholic school than I did.
Does that come with egg roll?
Jesus wants to know because that’s where he’s gonna be on Christmas Day.
Do you know someone who can prune my roses?
Yes, and “Jesus” is pronounced hay-soos.
Could we have some more bread?
Jacopo Tintoretto’s “Miracle of the Loaves and Fishes

Copyright © 2015 by James Knudsen

1 comment:

  1. James, your creative reach is astounding. If Jesus is the answer, the question might have been: "Whose miraculous powers does James Knudsen have that he can spin out a column on - maybe - anything at all?"