Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Ask Susan

I wish my husband & I weren’t together – what should I do?

By Susan C. Price

[Questions are followed by answers and then, inevitably by DID expect that...didn’t you?]

I’ve been married for 26 years and have two teenage children. I haven’t been happy for a long time and my husband and I have not had sex for at least five years. I’ve been hoping he’ll get fed up and leave. Recently, I told him I wanted a divorce, but he accused me of being selfish and not thinking about our children – my elder is leaving home to go to college in September, though.
    I have no feelings for my husband at all and I know I’m making the atmosphere at home bad, but I just can’t help it. Every day I wake up and I say to myself, “I wish we weren’t together.” And my husband says if I’m not happy, then I should be the one to leave.
    I can’t move out because the house is in my name and I pay the mortgage, so I wouldn’t be able to afford to live in another place. We also have a house abroad which is paid for – but he now says that it is his. I would actually be happy for him to have that house, so then I could stay here at home with my kids – my younger is 15. What should I do? –Married & Ready To Go

Dear Married & Ready To Go,
    For this set of questions, I think you need both a lawyer and a therapist.
    A lawyer for who owns what, who should move, ensuring your rights to income and property, and financial assistance for your children. If you don’t know whether the house abroad is in both your names and what your rights are, you definitely need a lawyer, even if you don’t separate.
    The questions of who is selfish (really, who isn’t?) and what is best for you...probably belong with a therapist. Go alone if he won’t join you. In many places, short-term therapy can be found via your local government health department with a sliding fee scale.
    It is my very personal opinion that children are harmed more by being around a very unhappy parent duo and the resulting tension and absence of true affection, than they are by a separation and/or divorce. This assumes a separation helps the parents to begin to act like adults (not selfish or name-calling children). Ahem. Translation, everyone in the situation could likely benefit from counseling or therapy, starting with yourself.
    I did notice that he accuses you of being selfish and then says you should be the one to leave. He doesn’t seem to want to take action, but you do. So do it.

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Copyright © 2016 by Susan C. Price

1 comment:

  1. Very good answer. What children see/learn is what they grow up thinking that is the norm. Children should not grow up thinking marriage is an unhappy situation that must be endured.