A Yorkshire Dales obituary

By Anonymous

The couple had been happily married for just over 50 years when the wife died. They had spent their entire married life in the Yorkshire Dales. The husband contacted the local newspaper to enquire about having an obituary published. But when informed of the cost by the lady in the newspaper office, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, “How much?! You’ve got to be joking!!”
    He finally agreed he would have to pay something but wanted to spend as little as possible. “I want summat simple,” he explained. “My Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass, but she wouldn’t have wanted owt swanky.”
    “Perhaps a small poem?” suggested the woman at the newspaper obituary desk.
    “Nay, lass,” he said, “she wouldn’t have wanted anything la-di-da like that. And she wouldn’t have wanted me to spend too much brass. How’s about we just say: ‘Gladys Ramsbottom died’?”
    “You must say when she died,” insisted the lady in the office.
    “Do I? OK, well, let’s just put ‘Died 17th Jan 2016.’ That’ll do.”
    “OK,” said the newspaper lady, “but it’s also usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed.”
    The husband considered for a moment. “Well,” he said, “just include ‘Sadly missed.’ That’ll do.”
    “For the minimum price, you can have another four words included,” the woman explained.
    “No, no,” the husband said. “Gladys wouldn’t ’ave wanted me to splash out like that.”
    “You wouldn’t have to. As I’ve just explained, the extra four words are included in the basic price.”
    “Are they? You mean I will ’ave paid for ’em anyway?”
    “Yes, indeed, Mr. Ramsbottom.”
    “Well, if I’m paying for ’em, I’m damn well ’avin ’em.”
    The final wording was agreed and the following obituary was duly printed in the next day’s edition of The Yorkshire Post:

Gladys Ramsbottom died 17 January 2016. Sadly missed. Also, tractor for sale.

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[Editor’s note: We received this anecdote from our “Growing Up in America” columnist, Rolf Dumke, who received it from Ron Dolinsky, a classmate of Rolf’s at Shaw High School, which was the subject of Rolf’s first installment, “Two Years at Shaw High” (November 18, 2014). Rolf and Ron were members of the Class of 1960. Ron has kept the weblog “The Voice of Moderation” since February 2004.]