Eight months into President Biden’s first term, millions of Americans remain convinced that:
- Biden is not the legitimate President and COVID isn’t real, but if you are feeling a little under the weather, horse de-wormer is the remedy you want, and
- “If things stop being normalish and don’t get worse, we will make ’em worse, ’cuz we’ve been preppin’ for over a decade and if we don’t start in on that pallet of pork ’n beans, they’re gonna spoil.”
Using a time machine I constructed from discarded kitchen appliances and an abandoned telephone booth, I traveled 100 years into the future. There I procured a 9th-grade history book so as to have a better idea of what lies ahead for us:
- President Justin Beiber – We all thought The Constitution would be amended to allow foreign-born candidates to pave the way for President Arnold Schwarzenegger. If only. Elected in 2052, Beiber’s candidacy was launched with the now famous Hey Girl speech. Inauguration Day is remembered not for the soaring rhetoric – there wasn’t any – but more for the dope choreography. Beiber’s two terms in office were ultimately some of the most successful in U.S. history. Showing absolutely zero interest in governing, he left the day-to-day running of the country to experts who actually knew what they were doing. The Beiber $20 bill was introduced on July 4, 2076, following his tragic demise in a hot tub-limousine accident.
- 54 stars on the flag – Incensed at the addition of Puerto Rico and Washington, D.C. to the Union by progressives, the authoritarian/nationalists under the new political party, The P8REOTZ*, added Jefferson, a land-locked amalgamation of Northeastern California, Northwestern Nevada, Eastern Oregon and Washington, and all of Idaho. This 53rd state was soon joined by Mar-a-Lago. Mar-a-Lago was more like a “city-state.” Think Vatican City, but with even more outrageous guard uniforms. Unlike Jefferson, which emerged from genuine, if misplaced grievances, Mar-a-Lago began as a sort of leper colony for anti-vaxxers. It was declared an underwater National Park in 2107.
- The Invasion of Canada – The conflict, known to the aforementioned P8REOTZ as “The Freedom Riders Ride For Freedom Ride,” began, as most of these things do, with a rally, featuring former, one-term President Donald J. Trump and Mike “The Pillow Guy” Lindell as the warm-up act. Lindell by this time had stopped dying his hair, on the belief that his favorite shade of Miss Clairol was being spiked with the Moderna vaccine. With his hair now white and him sporting a goatee, he looked like Col. Harland Sanders of KFC fame with a Minnesota dialect. Following the rally, the crowd was supposed to drive their Trump Trucks en masse to the recently dedicated “Dr. Anthony Fauci Statue.” Unfortunately, Lindell got the spelling wrong and instead of “Fauci” the navigation system sent them to the closest thing resembling “Fouchey,” the Taverne Fouchey, in New Brunswick, Canada. The mistake wasn’t realized until the caravan reached the U.S.-Canada border crossing in Vanceboro, Maine.
* It’s a way cooler spelling, and it fits on a license plate!
| Copyright © 2021 by James Knudsen |
Brilliant. Nice touch on Mar-A-Lago (which means something like sea to lake) as an underwater park. Please tell me the Taverne Fouchey was the new name for the former Aquarius Tavern that closed in 2013, after 43 years in business.
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