Thirst Satyrday for Eros: Understanding Eros

Émile Signol’s painting,
“The Abduction of Psyche”

...merits ardent investigation

By Jim Rix

It’s been awhile since I studied the Greek gods, but here’s what I remember about them in relation to Eros (the God of Love and Sexual Desire). Eros is the son of Aphrodite (the Goddess of Love, Beauty, Sexuality, Pleasure, Procreation, etc.), who was born when Cronus (a first-generation Titan) cut off Uranus (the God of the Sky’s) balls and threw them into the sea, out of which Aphrodite arose from Aphros (the God of Sea Foam). (Those ancient Greeks had a God for everything.)
    Zeus (the God of Gods) feared that Aphrodite’s beauty would disrupt the peace among the other Gods. So he married her off to Hephaestus (the God of the Uglies – Blacksmiths, Craftsmen, etc.)
    But Aphrodite would have none of the ugly and deformed Hephaestus, and she took on many lovers, including Aries (the War God) and Adonis (the God of Young Boys and Girls), who would later die on the island of Lesbos (the Land of Let’s Not Go There).
    It is not known for sure just who fathered Eros, but I believe it could have been Hypnos, who, after a long night with Aphrodite, became the God of Sleep. Be that as it may, as Aphrodite grew older she became jealous of the mortal Princess Psyche, whose beauty was attracting men away from her munaki. So, Aphrodite commanded Eros to cause Psyche to fall in love with the ugliest creature on earth. But, instead, Eros himself fell in love with Psyche.
    Aphrodite became pissed and commanded Psyche to perform a series of four difficult tasks. Psyche performed the first three tasks with relative ease (sort a pile of seeds, fetch some Golden Fleece, and fill a flask with water from the river Styx, which was the boundary between the Earth and the Underworld).
    The fourth task was not so easy. Psyche had to retrieve the love potion used by Persephone (the Goddess of Vegetation and Queen of the Underworld) when she was raped by Hades (the God of the Dead and King of the Underworld). In order to accomplish this task, Psyche had to cross the river Styx into the Underworld and do battle with Persephone’s supplier, Basal (the God of Bottoms, Potions, and Ointments). Basal was a slippery character, so Psyche had to resort to supernatural powers to prevail – she Psyched him out.
    Aphrodite was so relieved to receive a lifetime supply of Basal’s love potion, Basaline (which survives today as Vaseline, the world’s most popular love potion) that she made Psyche the Goddess of Soul (not to be confused with James Brown, the Godfather of Soul, whose life is celebrated in the recently released movie Get On Up).
    Eros and Psyche begat a daughter, Hedone, who – you guessed it – became the Goddess of Hedonism (Physical Pleasure).

So much for my recollections. To see whether Eros today remains synonymous with Love and Sexual Desire, I searched the web and arrived at the website eros.com. Sure enough, a plethora of Love Goddesses popped up with names like Olivia Sensation, Sweet Veronica, Asia Foxx, Ava Adora, Bella Dawn, Thai And Spicy, Ivy Sparks, Caressa Kisses, and Cherry Bang. After a half-hour or so of perusing this site, I was reminded of the words of that great standup philosopher Steve Martin, “Sex with love is one of the finest experiences money can buy!”
    Becoming more and more interested, I decided to look at something called WebCams. But after viewing several of these sites I became alarmed. From what I was seeing it appeared to me that female pubic hair is a vanishing human trait.
    Admittedly this was just a cursory investigation, and more research is needed. If you dear readers are as concerned as I about finding the truth pertaining to this disturbing phenomenon, perhaps we can work together as a team. The research effort will naturally be expensive. Since my abode is very close to the Bunny Ranch, where many of these goddesses abide, I will volunteer for the hands-on investigation if you will volunteer to fund the project. You may send your tax deductible donation to my nonprofit organization chartered to investigate this matter, ErosMe.
    I assure you that your funds will be put to good use. First, I will consult the Trojan God Prophylaxis. Then, I will go deep undercover and waste no time getting to the bottom of this very important issue. Finally, I will probe long and hard and will not stop until the truth comes out!

Copyright © 2014 by Jim Rix