Ask Wednesday: Ask Susan

Is this a boy I should get serious with?

By Susan C. Price

[Questions are followed by answers and then, inevitably by ADVICE...you DID expect that...didn’t you?]

Two weeks ago I met this boy on a night out with friends. He’s 22 and I am 20. Before I gave him my number I made a point of saying that if he was looking for a casual fling, then I wasn’t the right girl for him.
    That night, after the bar closed, he came back to mine and we sat in the kitchen until 5 a.m. chatting, and it was lovely. Since then we have met up a few times.
    He’s said things to me like, “You make me smile,” and “Whenever I see a text from you, I feel happy.” He’s also mentioned that he’s not a “dick”!
    However, the first week we started seeing each other seriously, I found out he’d only recently come out of a long-term relationship, which set alarm bells ringing. I don’t want to be a rebound relationship, so I texted him and emphasized that I don’t want a “friends with benefits” type of arrangement.
    He said it was true he’d split up with his girlfriend a couple of months before, but he would never play with my emotions and that he would love to see what happens between us.
    What do you think? –Bernadine

Dear Bernadine,
    I think that life is confusing, and love even more so – right? You feel that you have been verbally clear about what you want and what you don’t want. He has talked and responded verbally in ways that seem to respond well to your verbal signals.
    The trick is first for you to try to ensure that your actions mirror your stated intentions. If you don’t want casual and you don’t want FWB...then don’t act casually. “Met up a few times”?? Does that mean “had an actual date” or just “ran into each other here and there and at nights out with alcohol involved”? Don’t participate in “benefits” without...well, whatever it is you want that is beyond “friends”....And what does “seeing each other seriously” mean?
    If you two are serious, then more IN-PERSON talking (not simply chatting or texting) is called for. Consider that you went to “seriously” without his feeling that he needed to mention his recent long-term relationship.
    And you heard it from someone else. Your action (talking to someone else about him) suggests you don’t trust him enough to be “serious.”
    The actions of both of you, over time, will tell you if he is an appropriate boy (your word, not mine) for where you are in your life at this time.

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Copyright © 2014 by Susan C. Price