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By Susan C. Price
[Questions are followed by answers and then, inevitably by ADVICE...you DID expect that...didn’t you?]
My husband had an affair with another woman and although we worked it through I am still throwing it up to him if we argue. I am still so hurt and can’t seem to get it out of my head. He gets very agitated with me and although he keeps saying he is sorry I am afraid it will drive us apart for good. Please help me come to terms with it and close the door on it for good. –Bernice
Dear Bernice,
This is so painful. It can be extremely hard to let go of hurt, and get it out of your head. But loving couples willing to re-invest can work at betrayals of trust, such as an affair, and through it. What follows can be a relationship that, forged thru fire, is stronger and deeper.
I think that any bad feeling/experience doesn’t actually leave and the door is not closed “for good,” but over time and with self-reminders...it can be left alone and even transformed into something that enhances your abilities to love and partner.
It might help if you, alone, see a counselor about this. I find it helps to tell. A licensed counselor is safe and you can vent. A therapist can help you understand if the current arguments ARE about something ELSE, or not. Also, counselors/therapists are wonderful at seeing what you sort of glimpse (underlying meanings/feelings of yours and perhaps, your husband) and reflecting them to you in a neutral way. And suddenly, you “get” it. And the feelings are a little more calmed.
A possible first step is to think about the fact that you have two ears and one mouth, and can think to use them proportionately. Listen more than talk. You know that “throwing” this at him is not helping, so, in an argument about something else, don’t bring any old arguments up. Simply deal with the item/action/inaction that the argument is about. Hold your tongue. He should show you the same courtesy.
And finally, you don’t mention timing – how long ago the affair was, or how long you have been married. If you want to have this marriage for a long time, think long-term...”the affair was so long ago, I want our partnership to go on for 50 times that long. So I will behave in ways to help that happen.” Then you work at living through a good part of that long time. Have patience with both of you.
[We would really like more questions to answer, so send ’em in….]
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| Copyright © 2014 by Susan C. Price |
Dear Susan, I'm disappointed that, so far, no national print publication has inquired about your availability for a syndicated column. Moristotle & Co.'s gain, of course – we have you exclusively. Thanks for being with us. I only wish we had a bigger reach, so that the millions of people in need of such sound advice as yours would know how to enlist your assistance.
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