Ask Wednesday: Ask Susan

How can I protect my sons from their father?

By Susan C. Price

[Questions are followed by answers and then, inevitably by ADVICE...you DID expect that...didn’t you?]

I’m currently going through a divorce and my youngest child, who’s 12, has gone to live with his dad without my consent. Our family home is soon to be sold and I can’t afford to live in the immediate area due to the high cost of renting properties.
    At the moment my son is only five minutes away, but I’m too scared to knock on my ex’s door to see him. My ex is a bully and I know my son is scared to see me because of how his dad might react. I used to contact my son via Facebook, but now he doesn’t read my messages, let alone reply. And he never visits, despite the fact he has to pass my door many times and I work from home. I’m terrified that I will lose him forever and don’t know what to do.
    I also have an older boy who’s 18 and he’s scared of his dad too. –Ruth

Dear Ruth,
    This is very troubling and you and your sons will need help to get through it.
    Most towns have child services (who should be notified if this father is abusing his sons in a physical or emotional way), divorce mediators, abused-spouse services (who can help you deal with this challenging divorce), and therapists/counselors (who can help you and your sons work through this). These services, run by health departments and/or religious organizations, frequently offer these services for low rates or for free. Please try to find one or more of these, and avail yourself of the counseling, even if you can't reach your sons. You need the support for yourself.
    Usually, a divorce will require an official decision on child custody. So, at some point in the process, you should be consulted about where your younger son lives. You should seek the advice of a lawyer to protect your son, and your parental rights. Low cost legal assistance is also usually available (if the community is "hot" enough to have expensive rents, there will be lawyers).
    As you might know, 12 is a very confusing age even without a family break-up/down and emotional abuse from a parent. And your son might not know how he feels or why he might be avoiding you.
    Children do grow, and if the door remains open, he will come back and communicate with you. Keep attempting to contact him in a non-threatening way. Send him letters, even if you suspect he won't receive them. Also, if your older son can spend some time with his brother, that might help.
    Good Luck.

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Copyright © 2015 by Susan C. Price