Every day it seems that some rich or powerful, or both rich and powerful, man – on both sides of the pond that is the Atlantic Ocean – is being outed for sexual harassment or worse! It is never acceptable to be exposed (sometimes in more ways than one!) to a sexual advance that you don’t want. But what I can’t understand is why these women (or men, in a few cases recently reported) have left it so long – sometimes for decades – before reporting these heinous events, which, according to media reports, have greatly affected their lives.
I can understand if the victims were children, but the case of grown women who were living independent lives has me confused.
I first had an encounter when I was a small girl. I was born and bred in a Welsh public house and had free reign over the premises, even when open to the public. We were a local pub for local people, so I was used to its customers, who were mainly men.
One day I was in the “smoke room” practicing on the piano when one of the locals came in and sat at the corner table with pint of beer in tow. After a few tunes from me he called me over. When I went over and stood in front of him, he patted his knee.
Now I don’t fully remember what happened, as I was only 6 or 7 at the time, but I do remember that I scratched him quite badly on his face and ran off! I can’t remember whether he touched me, but I do know that I didn’t want his attention and I reacted by fighting back!
And I remember that he quickly downed his pint and left. But my mother, being a Welsh dragon mother, called me over to her, and although I don’t remember now what I told her then, I do know that she went after the man and he didn’t come back into the pub for a very long time. And he definitely never came near me again.
Now, I can’t speak for any other woman or man who as a child had some unwanted attention, but for me, my own experience honed my “danger” skills, and as a consequence, I believe, I have never again been in any similar situation, or in a situation where I couldn’t fight my way out or escape and avoid danger.
My point is that we all react differently when confronted with unpleasant events, and what happened shapes how we are when older, but for me I see no real point in dredging up events from the past. Yes, as a child, you are supposed to be protected by adults, and serious acts committed against you – when you are a child, or later – can have far-reaching implications. But bringing it out in public years and years later doesn’t seem to rectify or soften the memories of what happened. In fact, from the accounts I have read, it actually makes the victims lives worse, because now the “secret” is out in the open for all to judge.
I don’t know what the answer is, but in general there seems to be a lack of awareness of possibly awkward or dangerous situations. For me, as I got older, if I was out on a date, especially early into the relationship, I would never go back to his place or invite him to mine (well, only if I myself wanted to take it to the next level, if you get my drift!). And I never drank to the point I couldn’t remember or be in control. (Alcohol also seems to be a major factor in many of these reports.)
There seems to be a lack of advice/education/parental teaching with many young people, or a disconnect from common sense (if not an utter lack of it).
Just going back to my childhood event, I can still remember the man’s name and picture him vividly. However, it hasn’t affected my life, but only ensured that I am not and would never allow myself to be a “victim.”
| Copyright © 2016 by Penelope Griffiths |
As I recall a good slap in the face would end most unwanted attention. I have never grabbed a woman's butt(except my wife's) but I have made a move for second base and had my hand pushed away. I guess today that could be called sexual harassment.
ReplyDeleteEd, Penelope's column (and your comment) reminded me that W.M. Dean wrote a short story ("William the Conjuror," published here on January 3, 2015) about this sort of thing. One has to wonder, of course, how much actual experimentation Mr. Dean may have done (back in the seventies, when he wrote the story), or whether the acts and "reacts" described were purely imaginative. Anyway, his apparent assumption that such acts would please rather than offend the women involved does seem to have been fanciful, given the many, many recent reports of offense taken. Could that be the core of the problem with "the state of man" – his fantasy that the women he encounters are as sexually interested / attracted / ready-to-engage as he is?
ReplyDeleteI occurred to me this morning, in thinking about this topic, that, though women supposedly "enjoy" rights and even guarantees under democratic constitutions, those rights and guarantees can't be enforced immediately. Women can be beaten (even killed) in their own homes, the police arriving only later. A woman can be kidnapped or raped in a parking lot, an empty building (or an empty room in a Trump mansion), and no word of it even peeped. In other words, we basically live in a jungle, even in cities (even ones in democratic societies), and our "rights" and "guarantees" are remote matters of law enforcement and court proceedings. They don’t protect women (or anyone) in a private setting, in the dark, behind a barricade, in the few minutes it takes for acts to be committed.
ReplyDeleteYou right Morris, but this is not what is happening now. The courts have never been just, but here we are having a trail by public opinion. That has never turned out to be a good thing. It is too easy to shape opinions.
DeleteEd, I think your condemnation of courts of law may be somewhat of an exaggeration, and, if your comparison with the "court of public opinion" is meant to imply that it is even more unjust than courts of law, that seems to be an exaggeration as well.
DeleteBut, to clarify what you might be saying, are there particular cases among the few dozen recently reported that you think "the public" is judging wrong? And are those judgments wrong because someone (some political party, some rich party donor, some public official...) has "shaped" the public's opinion to meet its own ends? (Clearly the sexual predator in the White House is trying to shape the public's – Alabama voters' – opinion of Roy Moore, as now is the Republican Party also, after initially backing away from him, before Trump shoved a hot poker up their behinds.)
But what I wanted to say about our living in a jungle, despite laws and courts and public opinion, is that women, and men too, need to follow Penelope’s advice and stay well-connected to common sense, vigilance, skepticism, and preparedness. And parents, too, if they love their young daughters snd sons.
ReplyDeleteEd has a valid point when he highlights jury by public. Very often anonymity is given to the victim but not the perpetrator Then if the case is dismissed or unfounded the accuser gets to walk away, reputation intact whilst the hapless accused life can be in ruins
ReplyDeleteEither both should be named or none until case is either proven or not
There are many cases of people being wrongly accused of sexual harassment or worse and then it's shown that it wasn't the actual case.
On the flip side many have not come forward as they feel they were partially to blame and perhaps had led the perpetrator on to a degree and therefore are partially to blame ergo don't put yourself in the situation if you don't want the undesired end result.
Ah, right, if that was Ed's point, then of course it was a valid one. I'm not sure what the remedy is, however, as the public has a long, long history of indicting innocents, including women whose being "different" was popularly ascribed to their being witches (and in need of beheading or burning at a stake).
DeleteThe voices of woman have been heard but I see no offer for change. Only reprisal is being called for. This does make me wonder what will the world be like when the smoke settles. I have a feeling it will not change very much, there seems to no will to make a bill of rights for women. Also, Morris how many police have gone to jail for murdering blacks? How many woman have reported being attack only to see nothing done about it. Our system of law has fallen short in many cases. One reason is back when Nixon declared war of drugs and the police department got a cash cow from busting hippies growing pot they expanded to the large uncontrolled organization they are today. Don't get me wrong there are good policemen but there are also bad ones and there are so many it is hard to tell them apart. One last thing, this country was founded on law and I don't think these men are receiving due process. I know this is not a poplar stands right now, but stop and think; a man kills a child and he is given more rights to defend himself than these men.
ReplyDeleteIt may simply be that a few of these men are going to have to suffer unfairly, and so be it. Their number (and their “total suffering”) will be a tiny fraction of the suffering of women. It would be wrong, I think, to hold up progress toward a huge consciousness-raising for the plight of women and the system of their exploitation by men enshrined in power (read the NY Times article about all of the complicity in the Harvey Weinstein case), for the sake of protecting the rights of a few wrongfully accused men. Nevertheless, they deserve some sympathy. Perhaps they need to be as diligent in speaking up about it as some of the exploited women now are.
DeleteI guess if that is the only goal, then you're right. I fear that as soon as the fire dies down it will be back to business as usual. If women want change they need laws that change the system and addresses their needs.
ReplyDeleteCongress has some women in this fight, and the men are in a weakened and weakening position, especially after the Republicans eventually get their comeuppance over Roy Moore; workplace laws there will be.
DeleteWow, what a healthy article. I have been in the mental health profession for over 45 years and once again appreciate the phrase, "the issue is not the issue." Everyone's situation, environments, teachings, cultures and experiences are uniquely their own and what we learn from events in our lives is up to us. What I don't appreciate is the "mob" reflex in any situation. Thanks for you insights and good on you for having such strength and fortitude at such a young age.
ReplyDeleteSarah McElman commented on contributing editor Geoffrey Dean’s Facebook page, where he had shared a link to Penelope’s column:
ReplyDeleteThe beginning saddened me enough to not reach the end, so I don't know about the author's conclusions. What we are seeing now is in part a confrontation of shame – a shame that shouldn’t exist, and certainly doesn’t for children: when a person is treated in a way that is vastly dismissive of who he ir she is. It is likely that these women have told someone, and were contradicted, ignored, or told to stop being so uptight, and were left to keep their sorrow to themselves (call mom?) My experience is that very few are prepared to actually confront these issues appropriately, and so they avoid it entirely, even when the need is great. It is a failure of empathy that has keept these women from having a voice.
To which Geoffrey replied:
DeleteWell and thoughtfully said, Sarah. I think you are right about the failure of empathy. For me that failure is rooted in our inability to make the cognitive leap needed to imagine what someone else felt in a given situation. We get stuck at the level of “if it had been me, I would have said/done x, y, and z” rather than asking what we would would have done if we were actually the person who experienced it. So many judgments stem only from a comparison with what “I “ would have done, even when “I” was never in the situation myself. I think that very very few of us practice empathy in the “imagine other” sense that would actually lead to compassionate action. Those who ask “why did she wait so long” seem to be content with “imagining self,” then projecting that on other people’s actions.
I hope to not offend anyone here with my response. Years ago I took a masters level course entitled Sociology of Violence or something similar. As well, graduate coursework in Women's studies to include slave trade and subsequent violence against women.Of interest, and I addressed it, we spend an inordinate amount of time discussing the victim and appropriate responses, courts, judgments, public opinion, etc, but rarely if ever the issue with those that do the actions or behaviors addressed. I find it a little naive to assume a slap in the face will do the trick to ward off inappropriate advances. Women and children die every day at the hands of those who commit crimes - and I doubt that there was not an initiative on behalf of the victims to stop the advances before things turned ugly - including a slap at a face.
ReplyDelete