Acting Citizen: Trump Island

Sovereign Nation/ Reality Show

By James Knudsen

I realize I’ve become terribly fond of pieces that involve lists, but hopefully this will be the last one (at least for this year). Trump has mined the Trump Taco Bowl for Latino votes, and I’ve included the photographic proof.

With the Electoral College vote now safely tallied, it is safe to examine where our 45th President is headed next. Some may recall that during the 2020 Presidential campaign, Donald Trump mused that, if he lost to Joe Biden, he might have to leave the country.
    Sources – intel sources – have stated off the record that outgoing President Trump plans to move to an isolated island in the South Pacific…or maybe the North Atlantic. Believe me when I tell you, there’s a lot of water in those two oceans.
    This island will be a sovereign nation. Sovereign. A lot of people don’t know, but that means other countries cannot tell such a nation what to do. It’s sovereign. The former president will be joined on this island by his family members, loyal staff, many, many, of his followers in red hats, and a reality-TV production crew.
    Through diligent research – much like that employed by President Trump himself – this writer has uncovered details that a lot of people have mentioned, and has looked at these oft-mentioned details very closely. What follows are some of the perks citizens of this new nation may look forward to.

The Wall! – The Wall, a key element of the President’s 2016 campaign, never really found its footing. Or its funding, or its raison d’etre. But The Wall will be built around the perimeter of the island nation. Illegal immigration isn’t expected to be a problem. Rising sea level is another matter.

Building the Wall! – Convinced by right-wing media outlets that an invasion force of no fewer than 5,000 water-borne craft, packed with hard-working illegal immigrants, is bearing down on their island fortress, construction of the wall begins immediately. With no immigrant labor force, just cranky senior citizens, the progress is slow. The daily bingo tournament, which the former President always wins, followed by nap time, isn’t helping.

Privatized Healthcare! – Obamacare is not an option on Trump Island. The healthcare system is 100% privatized. However, when you meet your healthcare provider for the first time, and ask, “Are you a doctor?” the reply is likely to be, “I am a Phoenix!”

The Trump Best Responders! – Emergency services are also privatized on Trump Island. This vital service is the most exclusive club on the island. And anyone can join! Uniforms, from Ivanka Trump’s new line of business attire, are provided at a special price. Initiation fee is just $39.95/month. FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!

Nationalized Internet! – Realizing the need to keep the citizens of Trump Island well informed, Donald Trump has chosen to have one essential service provided by the government – free internet for all. Unfortunately, this is the one and only program the former President entrusted to his son Eric. The network provider is AOL. And it’s dial-up.

Taxes! – They are the one thing higher than the wall. The former President has debts to pay off, and his credit rating isn’t very good.

Property Taxes! – You didn’t think the island was paid for, did you?

Money! – No dead presidents, and even the pennies are gold-plated. Trump currency valuation on the world market is based – like everything else in the Trump Empire – on how he feels about it at any given moment. To offer one example, yesterday morning a wheelbarrow full of Trump dollars would buy you one of Ivanka’s designer handbags. Later that day, you could actually buy Ivanka.

Multi-Level Marketing Parties! – Speaking of Ivanka, multi-level marketing parties are pretty much the only social life on the island. Ivanka has several new companies that allow you to work from “home,” and “live your best life.” A word of warning: all of the “opportunities” feature a PowerPoint presentation, and there are a lot of slides featuring pyramids.

Trump’s Trough! – There’s only one restaurant on the island. Trump’s Trough is a cafeteria-style, all-you-can-eat buffet, featuring everything the former President likes; steak burned to a crisp, McDonald’s cheeseburgers, and – from the Trump Tower Restaurant – The Best Taco Salad in Manhattan. Enjoy!

Copyright © 2020 by James Knudsen