[I first heard or read this story many years ago and have no recollection of who originated it. I may have even heard it from a pastor in a sermon. I don’t know. All I recalled was the skeleton of the story and I thought the man in the story’s procedure is a good one for anyone to adopt. This telling of the story is my own.]
I knew a man who had a nerve wracking, stress-filled job, but once he went through the front door of his home to greet his wife and kids, he delivered and was enveloped in smiles and exuberant love.
One day his wife asked him how he managed to be that way at the end of every day, giving her attention and playing joyfully and lovingly with their kids.
He took a deep sigh and pointed to the tree in their front yard where a chunky branch jutted out one side, and said, “With the help of our tree.”
With a bewildered look on her face, she said, “Huh?”
He went on to explain that as he brought home all the stress, worries, and turmoils of the day, he had earlier made up his mind to deposit or give them to the tree before entering his precious family’s presence at home. For they were what really mattered to him in life.
He asked her, “Have you ever seen me touch or pat the tree before I come in? Sometimes I have to stand there and ponder a bit.”
“Yes I have,” she said, “and I’ve always wondered why you did that.”
He smiled and said, “What I am doing with that is giving, leaving, or depositing my day with the tree. It helps me to separate my stress and worries from my real self and world – from what is more important to me, which is you and our kids. The more I do it, the quicker it helps me. Sometimes I can just touch the tree as I walk by and other times I have to stand there and argue with myself or focus for a bit. I don’t think the tree minds.”
| Copyright © 2020 by Victor L. Midyett |
Great story, great concept. Wish I'd thought of some way to do that; when I was "climbing the corporate ladder" I did NOT take as much time with my family as I should have and have always regretted it. So I bought my own company, grew my hair back out, and became my best self again-an ageing hippie running my own place and no longer paid to be an a**hole. Big corporations can suck the life right out of you.
ReplyDeleteVic, thanks for turning your recollection into a thoughtful psychological post! I say “psychological” because of my understanding of Tony Robbins’ teaching that we humans can set things up (in our minds) as triggers (I’m not sure of Robbins’ terminology) to engage a certain behavior that we have established in ourselves. A simple example that everyone should be able to relate to: I have a sign on the dehydration box I deposit my hearing aids in for the night that says, “Close the side garage door!” This cues me to go do that (or remember that I definitely already did it). My point is that the protagonist in your story has set the tree up to be his trigger for letting go his stress before entering his home each evening. Valuable lesson for everyone to learn (or be reminded of).
ReplyDeleteI haven’t found a passage from Robbins, but I did find this (by googling on “establishng cues to trigger action”), and I recommend the excerpt below, from, “106: Triggers — The Key to Building and Breaking Habits: A Guide to Programming in the Human Biocomputer,” by Chris Sparks, Feb. 26, 2018:
DeleteWhat are habit triggers?
A trigger is defined as an event that kicks off the automatic urge to complete a habit. Triggers are the key to forming new habits and breaking old ones. Simply put, triggers make the habit action happen.
A trigger can be anything in our environment which our brains associate with a habit. These contextual factors such as where we are, who we are with, and what just happened have a powerful and invisible effect upon our behavior.
Every time a trigger precedes a habit, our brains strengthen the association between a habit and its trigger. This associative process is described in neuroscience as Hebbian learning, and is summarized by “neurons that fire together, wire together.” As an association between a habit and a trigger increases, the habit becomes more and more ingrained until we can perform our habits on full auto-pilot.
Okay, I found a passage inspired by Robbins that talks about the use of “triggers.” I found it on the website “Excellence With You In Mind,” on its page titled “Goals That Get Accomplished,” posted by Muthoni Gathinji on Dec. 29, 2015. Though apparently not a direct quote from Robbins, the following paragraphs do seem to me to represent his teaching as I comprehended it, with the one exception that I sort of remember that he had advice for “locking” a trigger in place in your mind; i.e., establishing a strong association between the cue and the response you want it to elicit:
DeleteOnce you have learnt how to write your goals and link them to a specific action, you will need to establish a trigger or a cue that will remind you to initiate the action. All habits both good and bad have a trigger. For example if your goal is to have healthier teeth, the action may be to floss after brushing your teeth. The trigger would be to put a roll of floss next to your toothbrush so that you are reminded to floss after brushing your teeth; an action you already do daily. Another example is if your goal is to read more books and the assigned action is to spend 30-minutes every day, the trigger could be placing the books by your favorite seat in the house where you find yourself every evening. Establishing the right trigger will take some practice. An alarm clock is only effective if you don’t throw it against the wall (hint, hint).
After establishing the trigger and beginning your routine, habits will begin to develop and attached to every habit there will be a reward. The reward could be a tangible item or it could be a feeling. Good habits take time to form so it’s especially important that you celebrate the rewards along the way to your new habit. Celebrate each day that finds you making a new network contact, making an appearance at the gym and running 5 minutes longer than yesterday or lifting 5 pounds heavier than last week.
Roger, thanks very much. Yes, I've done the corproate rung thing too. It sucks, because like you said, it turns you into an a**hole. AND regrets are always there, and I find the biggest regret is not forgiving myself over spilled milk.
ReplyDeleteAnd your several fascited, supportive thoughts, Morris are so true and I thank you also.
Thanks hubby, as you know I am getting ready to do a workshop for the police and front line workers, thanks for giving me one more idea to help them let go.
ReplyDeleteVic, you have a hubby? Oh, I think I get it: Shirley had HER hubby post her thanks to you for her!
DeleteBest wishes to you, Shirley, for coming to the aid of those hard-pressed front line workers!
Vic replied via email: “Oh yeah, I remember that now.
DeleteCorrect, that was Shirley. I had no idea what she had written or I would have picked it up. Sorry about that.”
I told him he’s gotta watch that girl.
Aside to Shirley: Will you be able to write a column on your session with those police people and other front line workers?
First, the courses are still in the development and promotional stage with NSU continuing education course director. Second, it is yet to be seen if they will be of interest or accepted by the public involved. To be advertised now, but not to start until January.
DeleteVic, a VERY interesting story has developed alongside our discussion of your story, related to my mention of Tony Robbins. You see, I have twitchy fingers, which become very active while I’m watching dramatic series or films with my wife. The twitching annoys her so much I have to hide my fingers beneath an arm, a leg, or a pillow. They twitch on their own, uncontrollably. No leg movement involved – NOT restless leg syndrome. And not “the stakes,” not tremors. Fingers only, often as though "typing." Same thing as my "fingering" the steering wheel while driving, which I've incorporated into several Goines vignettes.
ReplyDeleteNow, if my wife brings my twitching to my attention, I can immediately stop doing it. But, try as I may, when my attention returns to other things, I may (and usually do) start "typing" or rubbing a finger against my pants or shirt or another finger again. Am I trying to stimulate a touching sensation? – perhaps.
Well, here’s where it gets interesting: on my next outing on the highway, I noticed that I was not twiddling as I drove, and I got to wondering whether maybe I twiddle only when I'm composing limericks, etc. while driving? That question led to my wondering whether maybe I twiddle while watching TV mainly when there's a lot of dialogue (especially when we're depending on captions for foreign-language films)? Is my twiddling limited to times when I'm mainly using the language part of my brain?
Just asking that last question seems to have empowered me, to have given me some control over my twiddling. For, while watching dramas that evening, I found myself frequently attending to my fingers and catching them doing only a couple of minor twiddles! Have I gained mastery over my fingers? Has my awareness of the language component become my “tree,” triggering a new behavior of awareness and control?
I will report further as this story develops.
Very interesting, Mo. My first thought is that it is a kind of nervous/excited reaction you are letting OUT through your fingers.
ReplyDeleteAttaching it to language or composing thoughts is confusing to me as that is left brain, (using right brain too but..); same as you can't read in your sleep.
Bottom line perhaps, is that you are much more aware of doing it now and somehow that stops you from doing it. My question though, is THAT helping you or making the internal or physiological release more stuffed down or stifalled? And therefore is that good for you. Or not? Keep checking it out within yourself. My guess is you will find the answer.
Vic, intuitively, my notion that language-intensive activity evokes my twiddling seems promising. Please tell me more about the possibility that the twiddling could be a way of “letting out” nervousness or excitement. I don't think that nervousness is involved, by the way, but I admit that while I’m composing a limerick while driving, or following an absorbing drama (which virtually always involves processing captions so as to miss none of the spoken dialogue), I AM excited – alive, animated, “into it.” What function or purpose do you see the “letting out” as serving? Does excitement build up a hurtful pressure or something, which needs to be relieved? I don’t understand.
DeleteIn my own terms, the excitement I feel seeks “application,” a constructive use, as when I act on the excitement to perfect a limerick or understand the characters in the drama or figure out the mystery that the drama’s narrative has posed.
Also, if you would, please elaborate on how the right brain/left brain distinction applies here. I admit that, while I was as intrigued as the next person when the right brain/left brain rage rose (what, 30-40 years ago?), I have not found that paradigm particularly useful in my own thinking. And I have observed that much of the use to which people have put it has been to superficially explain something so that they don’t have to worry about it anymore.
An auxiliary thought just occurred relative to my paragraph: “In my own terms, the excitement I feel seeks “application,” a constructive use, as when I act on the excitement to perfect a limerick or understand the characters in the drama or figure out the mystery that the drama’s narrative has posed.”
DeleteMy auxiliary thought is that my finger twiddling while watching a compelling drama might betoken an itch to “write it up.” After all, I am a writer, a blogger, a reviewer, an opiner....Among my top thoughts when looking for something fun to do is...go upstairs to my computer and open Microsoft Word or Blogger!