Birthdays have a tendency to put me in a melancholy mood. I know that is not an earth-shattering revelation, as many do not enjoy the aging process for a variety of reasons. My reason is really just a game of fractions.
My father is eighty years old today. I was born two days before his 27th birthday.
When I was young, I told him I would someday catch up with him. In elementary school, as I learned fractions, I told him that I could prove this fact. When I was 9, he was 36 and I was a quarter of his age. I explained that when I reached the age of 27, I would be exactly half of his age. Then, every year that passed afterwards, I would be gaining until I would eventually catch him. Even then I understood it was just a joke, yet it was a laugh we shared together.
Due to his religious belief, my father has not celebrated a birthday since I was born. Even so, for many years, two days before his birthday, we talked. Many times it was just a phone call, yet he always remembered my fractured reasoning and would update me what the current ratio was.
I also did not celebrate my birthdays, but as life happens, I had to make changes in my belief system – some of them not so popular with my parents. And while I respect them for holding to their convictions, I could not continue to follow that same path.
My father is eighty years old today. I have not heard his voice in years. Oh, he still lives in the house I grew up in, but we are distanced by something I cannot repair. Yet, I know that he knows I am catching up with him.
He would not appreciate me wishing him a happy birthday, but I will share that the current fraction is 53/80.
I love you, Dad, and I miss you very much.
| Copyright © 2021 by Maik Strosahl Michael E. Strosahl has focused on poetry for over twenty years, during which time he served a term as President of the Poetry Society of Indiana. He relocated to Jefferson City, Missouri, in 2018 and currently co-hosts a writers group there. |
That is sad. I know the empty feeding in the heart, I have a sister that I haven't spoken to in 6 years and I doubt we will ever speak again. I try and remember the good times we enjoyed before the break--not so sure that helps all that much. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteAs long as I live I will never understand the reasons and thought process of some individuals- especially your own flesh and blood!
ReplyDeleteI have a fraught relationship with both my children, something I tried so hard not to repeat that of my mother and me! I still love them with all my heart but I no longer play their games.
I did everything “right”, I never favoured on over the other, I gave equal time/presents/money etc, I gave them their “freedoms” to live their lives as they saw fit,of course I always gave my opinion but I NEVER controlled them.
Yet they both chose partners who said those exact things to them - that I controlled them, guilted them etc etc! But when I ask for examples none are forthcoming!
Yes I’m a strong, independent, opinionated woman but I have never no will I ever, force my opinions on to someone else but this is how they see it. For many years I just “complied” with their views (to keep the peace) but not anymore. If they are so mature that they can’t see that it’s their partners who are the “controllers” and “guilters” then at 38 and 40years old that’s on them - I’m out!
I can live with it but I refuse to live in it!
Such an odd game, but just the kind of thing that binds fathers and sons. And leave it to religion to pull them apart. I feel your heart in this one Maik, and I feel the hurt there. I hope you find writing about the hard things as cathartic as I do. Sometimes it will take a few years before I can write about something painful, but when I can it seems to help.
ReplyDeleteI'd often wondered where the fractions originated. I was still at home when you reached the half. I remember because at the time I was determined to one up you, and set out to calculate my exact half way point for both mom and dad (to the exact date). The dates have faded from memory but I remember breaking out the perpetual calendar book they had upstairs, cracking the spine and physically counting each day and trying to prognosticate the dates. Seems strange as I look back, especially now that I know it came from your birthday's proximity to dad's, but I suppose that's age looking back at youth
ReplyDeleteMaik, is Steve your brother? Assuming so, I think it’s great that he read today’s column and commented. Thanks, Steve!
DeleteThanks all! Yes, Steve is my youngest brother. I have no doubt that he could have calculated the exact halfway points to both mom and dad to the minute. I always was good at numbers, but you were always determined to be one step ahead. Love you bro!
ReplyDeleteWhat a nice essay and final one line piece. I feel too often those estranged from us for whatever reason(s) are the ones who lose out. Religion, controlling mates, sometimes imaginary wrongs cause the break. It's sad and I wish we could get past them. Anyway, thank you for your words today. They were very thoughtful and very much needed to be said.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, your fraction idea was great. I wonder if you can take the current fraction and turn it into something grand. Why ask? I know you can.
ReplyDeleteSorry I missed your comment earlier, Roger. Yes, I find it therapeutic to write about issues I deal with, but most of the time I like to hide it a bit more in my creations. This one I left a bit more exposed than I usually do.
ReplyDeleteMichael, perhaps one day I will expand on the fraction idea. I think about my dad a lot these days and have many different pieces about our relationship through the years.