Former President Donald J. Trump is known for communicating using unconventional methods. Conventional for a mob boss, but unconventional for the Leader of the Free World. Unknown to many is that he frequently used a journal to record daily thoughts and observations. It is difficult to decipher in that it is composed entirely in crayon and Sharpie, but we present here the 45th President at his most introspective on that most consequential day of his presidency, January 6, 2021.
After I woke up. Today is going to be very awesome. Today I will remain the 45th President of the United States. If my VP does what I told him to do. What everyone says he is allowed to do. Everyone. My son the cokehead. My son the village idiot. My hot daughter. My not as hot as she used to be wife. Actually I don’t know if she said that, she hasn’t spoken to me in months. Doesn’t matter. I’m going to be re-elected. Re-affirmed? Re-appointed, that sounds good. President of the United States today, January 6, 2021.
After breakfast. Just had a perfect phone call with the “Hoosier Loser.” I swear to God, I have to eat a handful of Adderall everytime I talk to that dope. He’s said he doesn’t think he can do what I asked. WTF!!!???? I’m the President, he’s the Vice-President. He does what I say. I’m sure that’s in the Constipation. One of those Aformentioneds. The 20th, or 30th. It’s allowed, that’s all I know. And all that matters is what I know.
Before the rally. The Judges Wife just popped in to say hi. I really think that a Supreme Court Justice is entitled to a younger wife than the one he’s got. Even if he is a “Clarence.” I mean he’s a judge, he probably gets asked to judge beauty pagents all the time. He could marry one of those. I might actually do that.
During the rally. Well, the rally has started. Where is everybody? There should be a least a million people here for this, and looks like about half a million showed up. The Mayor is up there giving a speach. If his hair dye starts running again I’m gonna shave his fuckin’ head. That was so embarassing for me. What was he thinking? First thing I’m doing after they swear me in again is get a new lawyer. Somebody that’s hot. And knows how to follow orders.
During my cokehead son’s embarassing speach. I just found out my son’s Crazy Wife is being paid 60 GRAND for introducing her husband, my coked out son, something junior! Sixty grand? She better be amazing in the sack for that kinda scratch.
After my cokehead son’s embarassing speach. My son just came off the stage, walks up to me and says, “I love you Dad.” Geeeeeez, what am I supposed to do with that? “Thanks,” I said, “Was it your idea to pay her 60 large? Did she catch you with a stripper?” He started to cry. I don’t need this right now. I’m trying to keep my job. A job that’s a real pain in the ass BTW. Sixty thousand dollars! That’s not got caught with a stripper money, that’s got caught with her sister and her niece money. I should know!
After my amazing speach, quite possibly the greatest speach ever delivered. Just finished my speach. It was tremendous! I walk off the stage over to The Beast and I tell the driver, “To the Capitol!” They drove me back to the White House. I handled the disappointment very well.
After the rally. I’m watching TV in the dining room. My voters, the real voters, the PATRIOTS, are beating the crap out of the police! Wow! They actually believe all that stolen election garbage. I just saw that bozo with the buffalo horns. Boy, he’s not right in the head. Why do they all look like they shop for clothes at the thrift store? Sad.
After eating my Filet O’Fish. LOL. I just finished a call with “The Pretty Boy from California.” He’s locked in the Capitol, scared shitless! I told Pretty Boy, “I guess these people are more upset about the election than you are.” He agreed completely. And then Mike, my Chief of Staff comes into the dining room and says he just got a text from The Broad at Fox. And he says she’s very upset. How can you tell?!?! She’s got so much botox, sad looks like mad, mad looks like glad, glad looks like sad! The other blonde was mean to me, but she was a legit 9, maybe a 10.
Before eating my 2nd Big Mac. My Hot Daughter just left the dining room. She was really being kindov a nag, saying I have to stop those people, they’re attacking the police, do something. Gimme a break, this is the best TV I’ve seen in months. Seems they want to hang The Hoosier Loser, which might not be the worst thing. I could get “The Senile Senator that isn’t from California” to count the votes, in MY favor. Then Mike tells me more people are texting him all upset. Crap. Why are they being so UNFAIR TO ME?
After taping my amazing video where I am very Presentable. Probably the most Presentable President in the history of Presidents. Nailed it!!! Again! Told the tourists at the Capitol it was time to go home. I said, “We love you,” just to see what junior would do. It was hilarious!
Bedtime. Oh my GOD!!! They’re not even married!!! $60,000 and THEY’RE NOT EVEN MARRIED?!?!?!
| Copyright © 2022 by James Knudsen |
James, I did not know that Trump uses crayons and Sharpies for his journaling, I thought he just twittered or something. Anyway, I did the best I could with some colors to suggest his practice. (I asked a neighbor whether her young daughters would lend me their crayons for the task, but when she told them why, they declined. They said they did not want to be associated with a man who always plays the aggrieved victim, reverses the facts from black to white, takes no responsibility, admits no guilt, has no contrition, is childish, is mean, and calls people names. They told their mom to tell me they are amazed that anyone would pledge allegiance to this crazy, ugly, dangerous baby of a man. I explained that you aren’t doing that, but they still said they’d rather spend their time praying for America and for democracy.)
ReplyDeleteA reader let me know by email that he thought James did a great job parodying Trump. “But,” he asked, “how do you parody Trump when he does that to himself?”
ReplyDeleteI told him that the answer to his question was twofold:
* First, Trump does not parody himself; to parody requires intention, and Trump would NEVER stoop to parodying himself.
* Second, I challenged him to study James' column to learn how James DEMONSTRATES a way to parody Trump.