Ask Wednesday: Ask Susan

How can I tell if I’m gay, and can I change it?

By Susan C. Price

[Questions are followed by answers and then, inevitably by ADVICE...you DID expect that...didn’t you?]

Please help! I am a 17-year-old girl and I think I’m gay. I have never felt comfortable with boys on the kissing front, but I get on great with them for sports, etc. My parents would have a fit if they thought I was gay. I’ve heard them say things about famous people who are gay, and it’s not good! How can I tell if I’m gay and can I change it? –Girl

Dear Girl,
    I am sure this is confusing and scary for you. Take heart. There are many people who can and will accept you...as you. And you can take your time to figure out who you are. Generally speaking, currently accepted scientific evidence says that we are born with our gender and sexual preferences (Ha! as if this wasn’t confusing enough..those are NOT the same) and they are not changeable.
    I ask you to believe that all will be well. I know that you are fine as you are. I also know that anyone who would disparage you is unclear on the concept of what makes a good person. (Hints: doing your best, being truthful with yourself and others, being kind....) The rest, to whom you are physically and/or emotionally attracted, is not critical to your being a good person. It’s not whom you love that’s important, what is important is that you do love and are loved.
    Find privacy and search the internet for “i think i might be gay.” I did, and I quickly found Advocates for Youth, which provided the following quotes:

What Does It Mean to Be Lesbian?
    Lesbians are women who love women. Lesbians are sexually attracted to other women and their sexual feelings toward other women are normal and natural for them. Lesbians say they feel emotionally and spiritually closer to women and prefer intimate relationships with women...Some lesbians are in heterosexual marriages. Some lesbians are disabled.

How Do I Know if I’m Lesbian?
    During adolescence, most young women begin to be aware of sexual feelings and to take an interest in dating. Many young women feel physically attracted to men. But other young women feel physically attracted to women. You may notice that you feel “turned on” by other women. You may feel different from your girlfriends, like you don’t fit in sometimes. When your girlfriends are checking out the guys, you may find yourself checking out other women. Going out with men may not interest you. You may find yourself wondering, “Why aren’t there any men like these terrific women I keep meeting?”
    You may also feel confused or unsure about whether or not you’re a lesbian. You may feel confused because you’re attracted to both men and women, and that’s okay [emphasis added].

Things can get very confusing inside our own heads. It is generally good to find a trusted confidant to explore and understand oneself. To find such a person to talk with about this, consider all family members, a counselor at school or youth organization or religious organization. Most countries/communities have LGBT (lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, transgender) hotlines specifically for youth. Call one.
    Once you are more comfortable with yourself, you can choose when/how/if to tackle the more challenging concept of educating your parents. They do love you and want the best for you...but it might take some time.
    Good luck.

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Copyright © 2014 by Susan C. Price