Ask Wednesday: Ask Susan

Should I not go to my daughter's wedding?

By Susan C. Price

[Questions are followed by answers and then, inevitably by ADVICE...you DID expect that...didn’t you?]

My daughter, who is 26, is getting married next year and has just informed me that she wants her father to be there plus his partner whom he left me for! I’m not happy about this because I know she will expect me NOT to speak to them or sit near them, meaning I may not be on the table with the main wedding guests! I’m so upset I’m thinking of either not going or, if I do, not trying to contain my emotions! Her siblings have already told her they don’t wish to go to the wedding at all.
    I looked after our three children from the time they were 4, 6, and this daughter 8. Their father never paid any money towards them or saw them until this daughter got in touch with him several years ago. I’m heart-broken because it’s as if she is throwing in my face everything I did for her and all the sacrifices I made to put her through college, etc. I’ve tried speaking to her and explaining that I don’t think it’s a good idea for her father and his new partner to be there, but she just tells me that I’m an adult and need to deal with it! Her fiancé just shrugs and says it’s up to her. Please help! –Rosalind

Dear Rosalind. A grown woman whom you raised is in love and getting married. You did a great job. You take the time to appreciate your efforts in this job, even if it seems that others are not appreciating you at this moment.
    A wedding is cause for great joy, and for focus to be on the loving couple at their celebration. You will love to attend, because you love to see the couple in joy. You will be glad to sit at the table with others whom your daughter considers “main” guests. And you will enjoy all the company and be a great guest. (Imaginative suggestion: pretend that your ex and his partner are people you have never met, but pleasant guests at a party. Remember, this celebration is not exactly about you...(as I always say to myself when dressing for an event, “Wait, YOU are NOT THE BRIDE”).
    It is hard and good and empowering to behave as that much of an adult. This takes work (as if you hadn’t done SO much work with her already...I know),
    AND, you can do it. You can change your verbal and physical behavior, and that change can change the responses you receive from others. (The surprise is...it can change how you feel. I love to quote musical theatre...it has taught me a lot...

…whenever I feel afraid,
I hold my head erect, and whistle a happy tune...
the result of this deception,
is very strange to tell,
for when I fool the people I fear,
I fool myself as well.” –The King and I)

    I don’t understand why your daughter would expect you NOT to behave as a grown up...unless you told her you could not? I don’t understand why your other children are not attending; maybe they need your best adult behavior as a model?
    Ultimately, what your ex did or didn’t do is...past. And what your daughter chooses to think about all that...is something you cannot control.
    What you can control is what you say and what you do. Be your best adult self. Focus on Kindness and Joy, and I bet you can enjoy this celebration!

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Copyright © 2013 by Susan C. Price

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