Thor's Day: Boring sermons reconsidered

William Hogarth drawing

Opportunities in disguise

By Anonymous^1,2,3

Edited by Morris Dean

[Editor's Note: You may consider church a waste of time, but boring sermons do provide an opportunity to think up religious jokes. At your next opportunity, consult your muse and take notes on the leaflet you were handed when you entered the sanctuary.]

After a particularly uninspiring worship service, a church member greeted the pastor: "Reverend, that was a wonderful sermon. You should have it published."
    The pastor replied, "Actually, I'm planning to have all my sermons published posthumously."
    "Great!" enthused the church member. "The sooner the better!"

Church Bulletin Blooper: "Due to the rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice."

Fun things to do during a boring sermon:

Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.
    Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.
    Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.
    By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards.
    While people are locating the announced congregational song, step out in the aisle and begin waving your arms as if directing the hymn.
    Sit close to the front, and during the prayer, turn around backwards, point, and count softly how many people do not have their heads bowed and eyes closed.
    See how many hard candies you can stuff in your cheeks before your mother catches you.
    Begin coughing and get louder and louder until you get to excuse yourself and leave the room.
    Choose a different song than was announced and begin singing it as loud as you can.
    Write down ten more such things you might do.
    Write an original joke about a boring sermon—and submit it to Moristotle & Co.

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Copyright © 2013 by Morris Dean

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