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By Susan C. Price
[Questions are followed by answers and then, inevitably by ADVICE...you DID expect that...didn’t you?]
I have been with my partner for the last eight years. Three years ago, I lost both parents in a car crash. Soon after, I had two one-night stands. This was completely out of character and I have never done anything like it since. My partner makes me very happy, and I am eaten up with guilt. It is the only secret between us. Should I confess? –Nigel
Dear Nigel: I am so sorry about the grievous loss of both of your parents.
My first thought is that you should seek counseling to help you in the process of dealing with the serious loss of your parents, as well as for your being “eaten up with guilt.”
The grieving and the guilt are yours and yours to move thru...they might not belong to your partner at all. Though...a good partner who was with you before and during and after should be of assistance? And also, perhaps, a trained counselor can help you consider if revealing this one secret (really? are you sure that this is the only secret?) is necessary and helpful to both of your lives.
Everyone has different standards for sex-outside-of-a-relationship, and for secrets.
For example, I knew a gay couple of 10+ years when one of them was HIV-positive, and they struggled with “intimacy” since, if even his gums were bleeding on a given day, they could not have sex. (In telling us about this,...they always referred to sex as “intimacy.”) They queried several of the long-time gay couples they knew. Each couple had a different solution to...well, wanting more sex. Some couples could have sex with others, as long as “it” took place outside of the home. Some wanted to ensure it was with no one they both knew. Every couple had rules. My friends were uncomfortable with any “outside of couple” sex...and thus...they broke up.
Some of these standards would not be acceptable to you or your partner...but unless you are certain you know how to place these two beginning-to-be-long-ago episodes in both of your hearts...I would not just blurt this out.
[We would really like more questions to answer, so send ’em in….]
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Copyright © 2013 by Susan C. Price
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I have noticed that there are things a love one does not want to know. They may think you are cheating, but by unloading your guilt on to them, they are forced to take action, which they didn't want to do. You're the one that did it and because you are in pain; you want to share that pain?
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