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By Susan C. Price
[Questions are followed by answers and then, inevitably by ADVICE...you DID expect that...didn’t you?]
I lent a friend that I have known since Kindergarden $7,000 and he said he would pay me back within 6 months. I see him quite often and although he never offers anything towards the debt, he always acknowledges he owes me. Imagine my surprise and anger to hear that he has got engaged with a huge rock for his fiancée, plus he is buying a condo!!
I don’t want to go down the legal route if I can avoid it. I am fairly well off, but it’s a question of principle. How can I approach him without causing conflict, especially of the physical kind? –Penny
Ah, money and friendship, money and love partners, money and family members…such a tricky business. First, let’s work on the deal in front of us, followed by some future advice.
I assume from your comments that the original 6 months have passed? I totally understand the anger that he is spending a lot on other things, and has yet to reimburse you. In my personal experience, I find that people tend to put this kind of expenditure, or financial matter, in different...um “pots,” if you will.
To you, this debt is in one sort of pot. If someone else were to ask him, he might well say, “Oh, well, yes, that was a loose agreement, that I would pay it back when I can...and I will.” The engagement ring and the condo are “Well, I need to purchase those now, because we want to get married, and I have contracts to pay those amounts back strictly over time.” In his mind, these are different commitments, perhaps related to different needs, and he understands that they may be handled differently.
I suggest you write him and gently explain that the 6 months have passed and you need the funds returned and would like a repayment schedule from him. I would not bring in a lawyer until you have tried the direct approach...but not in person. The sad fact is that you just might lose the money and the friend...and if he views this principle so very differently from you...the loss of his friendship is painful...but?
Advice for the future: I suggest that you (and this is for all our devoted readers) should never lend anyone any amount of money that is larger than the lender (you) can fiscally and on principle ignore. For some of us, that amount peaks at $20...for some at $100, and so on. For any amount that is “some money!!!” to YOU:
- Never assume anything, certainly not that the recipient is honorable or views money and commitments as you do.
- Set up a written agreement, with due dates and interest (if you need to receive that). And then you both sign it and both keep a copy.
- Discuss scenarios to explain how you view this loan. Sample chat: “Well, Fred, let me tell you about the time I bought a gift for someone with my daughter. She was to reimburse me her 50% of the gift’s cost. Time came and went. I observed my daughter buying other things for herself and another gift for her stepmother. This really ground my gears...but I never told her. But it shades my relationship to her to this day. Can you understand how I felt, that she would spend on other things before reimbursing me?”
[We would really like more questions to answer, so send ’em in….]
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Copyright © 2013 by Susan C. Price
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Good advice Susan. I've found to loan money to a friend is to lose a friend. Small amounts maybe, but large amounts(what you see, as large your friend may not). At some point the guilt will make your friend avoid you and in the end both money and friend are gone.
ReplyDeleteThe other day I lent a friend $30 while we were standing in line at a post office. He needed to buy some holiday stamps (oh, okay, he said "Christmas") but had left his wallet in the car. The stamps cost less than $20, so he handed me back the $10 bill. Then, when we returned to the car, he promptly handed me a $20 bill. Worked out quite well. We are still friends.
ReplyDeleteTalk about a short term loan---did you ask for interest?[smile]
ReplyDelete