Ask Wednesday: Ask Susan

Which boyfriend should I go with?

By Susan C. Price

[Questions are followed by answers and then, inevitably by ADVICE...you DID expect that...didn’t you?]

My live-in boyfriend of six years and I have a child together. The child wasn't planned but he stood by me. However, a few months ago I found I was pregnant again and he insisted this time that I have an abortion. He gave valid reasons: money, apartment too small, etc., so reluctantly I went along with it.
    But since the day of the procedure he has not been supportive at all, even though I've told him how against it I was and how upset and guilty I feel. His brother, whom I've known longer than him, went through something similar last year, and he has been very understanding and my rock these last few months...and I've fallen in love with him.
    When I told him, he said he feels the same and wants us to take my child [by his brother] and run away together to start a new life. What am I to do? I know he'll look after us better than his brother did, and he also wants his own children with me. But I still love my live-in boyfriend! –Ms. Live In

Dear Ms. Live In,
    I can certainly understand that you are concerned about all your feelings and the men in your life, and you should be. These are important decisions, as they involve an extremely innocent party, your child.
    An abortion is a very hard decision and most women (and some fathers) need emotional support to deal with the related feelings. There should be professional counselors available in your community. Start by asking the medical center that performed your procedure to recommend some emotional assistance. "Very understanding" is wonderful...but it's not enough. Please get professional help. Your emotions can and do affect your living child as well as yourself.
    You have not made it clear that either gentleman is capable of understanding you, loving, and parenting your existing child or any other (let alone covering fiscal and future legal needs). Ensuring that children are cared for and that preparations are in place for their long-term needs is one reason that adults get married or legally adopt children. "Standing by" and "running away" do not sound like love or parenting or caring or preparing.
    I may be being harsh here. You must take care of your child before you think about who you "love" or who "loves" you. That is the grown-up thing to do. And, only grown-ups have half a chance of being good parents.

[We would really like more questions to answer, so send ’em in….]

Copyright © 2014 by Susan C. Price