Thirst Satyrday for Eros: Love in a cold climate

Original letterpress print for a Nancy Mitford novel

Does Hell give off or absorb heat?

By Anonymous

Edited by Morris Dean

[The following is alleged to be an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student. It didn't start out to have anything at all to do with Eros, unless by a circuitous route of associations having to do with love...death...heaven...hell.]

For Bonus Points: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
    One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
    Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
    This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?
    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that

It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you

and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting, "Oh my God."

This student is reported to have received an A+.

[And now, of course, he has been published on our blog, with emphasis on the erotic overtones embedded in his text. We are grateful to the unknown student of chemical and erotic genius (not to mention literary verve) and to the anonymous author, who could, of course, be the same person.]

Copyright © 2014 by Morris Dean