I’m willing to bet that most readers of this blog do not receive communiques from the Trump Campaign. Fear not, I am following that old adage, “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
The first thing to be aware of is that you need an email account with unlimited storage, because you’re going to be getting a lot of emails. I can count on at least 10 per day. And please note: I have not contributed a single penny.
Also, if you take prescription sleeping pills, you’re going to want to avoid these emails. No, not because you may be tempted to consume those pills by fistfuls. The danger is financial. I know from experience that people on medications like Ambien sometimes engage in late-night online shopping, and there’s a lotta crap up for sale in these Trump Campaign emails. Such a surprise.
The last thing you should know is that the experience is a little creepy. More than anything, it’s the subject lines. Imagine, you open up your email browser and the first column is the name of the sender. Our President must take credit for everything, especially if he had nothing to do with it, so his name frequently appears there. Then the subject line. The results are something like this:
Donald J. Trump Where have you been?
Where have I been? Home, there’s a pandemic raging, THANKS TO YOU.
Donald J. Trump YOUR file came up empty.
In this day and age of government surveillance, this one is actually kinda comforting. Of course, in an ideal world, he wouldn’t have a file with my name on it.
Donald J. Trump You. Me. Dinner.
Eewww! First of all, I’m not a mail-order bride. Second, I’m not investigating anyone you know, so why would you want to have dinner with me? And finally, I’ve seen and heard about the food you like to eat. You prefer steak cooked until it’s so well done, it rocks on the plate. I like my steak rare. The sight of the bloody juices would probably make you sick…Actually, what time?
Donald J. Trump I know you have it in you.
Okay, this one’s especially disturbing. I mean, Trump, his organization, his administration, his family – they’re usually spoken about as a sort of organized crime syndicate, a mafia. That means I might be one of their drug mules, so just what the hell do I have in me?
Donald Trump Jr. My father’s been asking about you.
Why? Did you tell him you know me? Maybe he should have been asking about those Russians you were hanging out with a few years ago. Look, I’ve told him, I’ll tell you, “I don’t want to buy a time-share in Moscow.”
Donald J. Trump I need to know.
You need to know? Seriously? We need to know. We need to know how much cash you’ve sucked out of the Treasury through your hotels. A peek at those tax returns about now would be nice.
Diamond and Silk We need to keep going.
I couldn’t agree more. I keep going every morning when I’m reviewing my emails. I come to an email from Donald J. Trump and I keep going. By the way, have you got around to telling the President that you’re voting for Kanye?
Eric Trump My father….
Okay, this is just insulting. You sent Eric?!?! The goofy, dumb one? I don’t even want to know what you’re pitching. I’m starting to feel like you don’t care about my concerns. I’m starting to feel cheap.
I just told you, “I’m starting to feel cheap,” and you send this? Let me get this straight – I give you money and you’ll give me that hat, which I would never wear? Nobody deserves that. Who designed that anyway? It looks like some Russian meme-bot’s idea of what a patriotic American would wear. Oooohhh, I get it.
Donald J. Trump I wrote you a note.
Oh God. If your writing is anything like your speaking, let’s just say I’m not looking forward to the experience. And then I find out the note is on a photo.
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And that’s the point, isn’t it? Your idea of opportunity is a scenario where you get to choose who gets to participate in America and who doesn’t. And you have the narrowest of visions since George Wallace as to who should participate. I have, along with millions of my fellow citizens, already had the opportunity. It is a right secured for us by generations of Americans who would be aghast to see you sitting at The Resolute Desk. We have the opportunity, the right, to vote you out of office on November 3rd. And what the hell is this opportunity you want to give me – a credit card, that I pay for? Sorry, I just discovered the biggest difference between you and me, Mr. President. I’m not for sale.
| Copyright © 2020 by James Knudsen |
yeah, personally James, i am attempting to close my self off in a rubber room until the election results are finalized. My only teensy problem is, the room has no A/C, its hot here. stay well.
ReplyDeleteThis is hysterical! Thank you James!
ReplyDeleteDear Mo,
ReplyDeleteI want to thank James for keeping track of Trump's emails and campaign apparel.
My approach to Donald is to ignore him completely. If there is anything he can't stand it is being ignored. He'd rather be sued or accused of tax evasion. If he was ignored for a month by the news media he would melt away like the Wicked Witch of the West.
Unfortunately that won't happen.
Neil
Neil
DeleteI agree with you. The media has played into Trump’s hands by publicizing every insane remark he makes and then by getting emotional about it. Now, if Trump says he should get twelve more years, the media should just report that statement with a notation that the Constitution prohibits someone from serving more than two terms. If Trump says he will not accept the election results, the media should simply report his remarks but state that any challenge to the election will be resolved by the courts and if not resolved in time, Nancy Pelosi will step in to serve as President. Again, if Trump says the election will be marked by voter fraud by mail in ballot, the media should just report the statement and point out (1) Trump and Melanie vote by mail, (2) there is no evidence that voting by mail promotes fraud and (2) a number of Western states have always provided for voting for mail without problem.
Jim