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By Susan C. Price
[Questions are followed by answers and then, inevitably by ADVICE...you DID expect that...didn’t you?]
I'm very concerned about my husband's drinking (about the equivalent of half a bottle of scotch nightly) and then his driving under the influence. When I try to talk to him about it he replies that "you have to die some way" and he continues drinking. I'm concerned about his making long road trips and not being very alert, but he really wants to go on these trips. The situation is getting worse and he certainly needs help but doesn't recognize it. I may be being over dramatic, but I wonder if an “intervention” would help. Any ideas? He gets very annoyed when I bring up his drinking. He says that I'm nagging him. –Anonymous
Dear One: You are not being dramatic. This is a serious and extremely urgent issue for the community, you, and your husband. One at a time.
His drunk driving is a danger to anyone out on or near any road he takes. He doesn't know them, but he can change their lives horribly in an instant. This needs to stop now. Worst case, you call the police when you know he might be out and about.
You, of course—this is dreadful for you. And it might well rob you of his companionship and love, which you clearly value. This is probably the place to start: talk to a doctor you have some rapport with, call Alcoholics Anonymous, get connected to an intervention. This might involve a lot of people at once to talk to your husband. For yourself, I also suggest Al-anon, for those who live with and love those who have an alcohol addiction that is threatening their lives. When it’s this serious (see below and above) it’s NOT nagging, it’s love. He is scared and fighting...you and himself and something “inside him.” Get help now.
Him. You do not state when or how this began. But this does sound like someone in depression, and working on suicide. Even if he's not depressed...clearly death could be the result. He needs help and is resistant. See the intervention advice above.
If you are afraid to do any of this, afraid to move, that is understandable. All of this is terrifying, and you are in the position of the “battered" wife. All the alternatives are frightening.
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Copyright © 2014 by Susan C. Price
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Thank you Susan! Blurb: "Do you have an alcoholic in your family? How can you help them and yourself? ASK SUSAN! And let us know what questions you have for Susan. She can probably give you helpful advice."
ReplyDeleteHaving set through more AA meeting than I can remember, the best advice Susan has given you is get yourself to an Al-anon meeting. In most towns they have open meetings, go to one and see that, if nothing else you are not alone.You don't know it, but you need as much help to get through this as he does.
ReplyDeleteVery few people become alcoholics overnight. Normally it is a process that starts as a teenager and grows as time goes by.
There is, I'm sorry to say, nothing you can do to help him. That has to come from within the person himself. But it sounds like you are in need of help, because at some point you may have to walk away.
I don't know your husband so I can't tell much about his drinking habit, but he sounds like he drinks like I did. There seems to be two kinds of drunks. One hates the taste of booze, but loves the feeling of being drunk. The other like me, is a functional drunk. I would from time to time pass my limit, but on the whole, I didn't like to get drunk. I liked the taste of brandy(it was my drug of choice). I never missed a day of work because of drinking, but after work the first thing I felt I owed myself was a beer. {Work hard---play hard}
It's harder for a functional drunk to understand there is a problem. They work everyday, and take care of the family and they just want to relax. It's the lie the drug tells the drinker.
There is no one answer for every drunk. Each has to fight their own demon. But, until he is ready to fight that demon, there isn't much you or anyone else can do. He might stop for awhile just to get people off his back. I would stop drinking for 30 days every once in awhile. I told myself it was a way to prove I wasn't an alcoholic.
How many smokers have you known, who could be talked into quitting. They had to decide, it was them who was going to die, not the other person, before they stopped. That's how it is with us alcoholic.
You may at this point wonder how or why I found myself at an AA meeting.
My wife got tired of my drinking and packed up and left. I was faced with choosing between the bottle or her.
I chose her, but few people in those meetings I attended made that choice. Most loss everything before they faced the fact they had to stop or die. What worked for me isn't what will work for someone else. Each person has to find their own bottom before they can start to climb out. I was lucky, there are a lot more who were not.
You don't know how I wish I could paint you a better picture, but I didn't and I'm sure he doesn't want to admit to being an alcoholic. That mean he would have to stop drinking----and that would never do. Here are the words I said at my first AA meeting.
"Hi, my name is Ed and I don't know if I'm an alcoholic or not."
The guy leading the meeting said, "Keep coming back until YOU decide."
Thanks for sharing that Ed !! Happy New Years all !
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