Tuesday Voice

Slow down, damn it!

By Vic Midyett

I witnessed the following spectacle in Oklahoma a few years ago, but it's still as clear in my mind as it was when I was seeing it live.
    I came out of a grocery shop and was walking to my car when my eye caught sight of an elderly couple parking their car in a handicap spot. I paid no attention until I heard what sounded like what I'll call a “geriatric domestic happening.”
    This should be good, I thought. So I stood to watch events unfold.
    The old man got slowly out of the car and walked around to the rear, where an electric wheel chair was mounted. He got it on the ground and wheeled it to the passenger side and started to help his wife into it. All the while hands and arms were flapping and gesticulating as they continued what I assumed was a dispute in progress—about what, I could not hear. Everything else, though, was in slow motion.
    The poor old guy then turned to close the car door. (Heck yeah, I'm taking his side!)
    In the meantime, the old lady his wife had found the “go” knob on the chair, and the old guy turned back just in time to see her take off, but not in time to steady himself on the chair's handles.
    Folks, what happened in fast slow motion next is where I lost it. The top half of the old guy was bent over at a 40-degree angle, his hands and arms taking huge swipes at the handles of the chair, missing every time. His bottom half looked like he was on stilts and frantic to keep his balance from falling forward. It went on and on for twenty feet and triple that number of steps!
    At this point—maybe I shouldn't confess it—I was doubled over laughing. Finally, I barely heard him yell out, “Slow down, damn it!”
    She did not slow down, but another shopper inadvertently got in the way, forcing her to stop. The old guy grabbed hold just in time to be jerked into forward motion again, resuming his stilt-walking, as I continued to laugh uncontrollably.

Later I imagined that the old lady had heard him say that so many times she had begun to think he was addressing her as “Damn-It.”
    I guess that could be why she had become so ornery.
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Copyright © 2014 by Vic Midyett

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