Acting Citizen: A Declaration...

That they might be looked on better

By James Knudsen

in florid 19^th Century and utilitarian 20th Century penmanship, do hereby make this declaration, freely and in the case of at least one of us, ecstatically, of agreed-upon consensus that, Donald J. Trump, the 45^thPresident of these United States, should NOT be removed from office by ballot, impeachment, or a better offer from Vladimir Putin.
    As we are generally acknowledged to be the WORST Presidents in U.S. History, Volume One, we stand in unanimity that the longer Donald Trump remains in office, the more favorably we will be seen through the lens of history. In support of this resolution, we submit the following statements:

Why am I on this list? I was only in office for 31 days! Hell, hardly anyone in Washington knew I was the President. Two nights before I took ill, the bartender at what had become my favorite saloon finally learned I was the Chief Executive. He said to me, “From now on, your drinks are on the house.” Turns out that meant House of Representatives. They had tab there.

—Wm. H. Harrison

Will the outrages never cease? I had two affairs while I was in office, two! And I made sure no one was the wiser. I’m told this Trump fellow has had several affairs and now I hear some Russian dictator has a flicker of one of his dalliances? Criminy, what a dope!

—Warren G. Harding

Is there a list for Best Vice-President? There should be, and I should be on that list. I said to Bill, “Your inaugural address is too long!” But did he listen? Noooooooo.

—John Tyler

You’re preaching to the choir, John. I told Zachary, don’t drink the water at the White House. The whole place is septic.

—Millard Fillmore

You know, the only reason I ran for President was to restore a little luster to the family name after my long-winded grandfather had tarnished it so brilliantly.

—Benjamin Harrison

This Trump, he’s a fan of the Confederacy? Well, he can’t be all bad.

—Andrew Johnson

It’s not like I caused The Great Depression!

—Herbert Hoover

Cheeto. What does that mean? I was called a “doughface,” which in those days meant a Yankee with Southern sympathies. Does Cheeto mean something like that?

—Franklin Pierce

Why isn’t Hayes on this list? That SOB cost me $38,000 a year! And those are 1875 dollars.

—Chester A. Arthur

I’ll confess, I have been absolutely giddy since this Trump chap took office, ecstatically giddy. Who can blame me? I am the one everyone pins the Civil War on, after all. Why did I ever return to the States? I was so much happier in England. And what the devil is wrong with this Mr. Trump? Alright, we had a Civil War, but it was about slavery! I’m told President Trump has followers who want to start a civil war over the wearing of masks? I love masks. The costume balls in London, where everyone wears a mask, those were my favorite.

—James Buchanan

For these reasons, and because even in death we remain pre-occupied with our place in history, we offer our endorsement of Donald J. Trump for a second term as President of the United States. And we urge other members of “Worst Lists,” be they Senators, Representatives, or Supreme Court Justices, to follow our self-serving lead.

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James’ editor fits a [weird] wig for him

Copyright © 2020 by James Knudsen