still, 10 years later?
By Jack Cover
(1942 – 2014)
[These jokes appeared here originally as “Sunday Review: St. Paddy’s Day jokes,” on March 17, 2023. That was ten St. Patrick’s Days ago, and they drew more than twice that many comments.]
One way of looking at the six Irish jokes up for review here on St. Patrick’s Day is that they’re ethnic jokes and we shouldn’t be telling them to one another.
But that’s not the way I look at it. The Irish are tough. And they enjoy a good laugh. I’m confident they’ll laugh at the following jokes, right along with all of the rest of us.
However, some of the jokes are better than others, and I’ve commented as appropriate [in indented italics].
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!”
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”
The man says, “I do, Father.”
The priest says, “Then stand over there against the wall.”
Then the priest asks the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
“Certainly, Father,” the man replies.
“Then stand over there against the wall,” says the priest.
Then Father Murphy walks up to O’Toole and asks, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole says, “No, I don’t Father.”
The priest says, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole says, “Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”
He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, “Pedestrians!” for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, “Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”
“Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!”
“Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are ye callin’ from?”
“Oh yeah?” said Charlie, “And how did this one end?”
“When it was over,” Mike replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.”
“Really,” said Charles, “Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”
She said, “Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.”
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, “You were drunk again last night weren’t you?”
Patton said, “Why do you say such a mean thing?”
“Well,” Kathleen said, “it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.”
[These jokes appeared here originally as “Sunday Review: St. Paddy’s Day jokes,” on March 17, 2023. That was ten St. Patrick’s Days ago, and they drew more than twice that many comments.]
One way of looking at the six Irish jokes up for review here on St. Patrick’s Day is that they’re ethnic jokes and we shouldn’t be telling them to one another.
But that’s not the way I look at it. The Irish are tough. And they enjoy a good laugh. I’m confident they’ll laugh at the following jokes, right along with all of the rest of us.
However, some of the jokes are better than others, and I’ve commented as appropriate [in indented italics].
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!”
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”
Of course, Paddy, being a “good Catholic” almost by no choice in Ireland, knows that God would take pity instantly, so the humor here lies in his disingenuousness. Not such a good Catholic after all?Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
The man says, “I do, Father.”
The priest says, “Then stand over there against the wall.”
Then the priest asks the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
“Certainly, Father,” the man replies.
“Then stand over there against the wall,” says the priest.
Then Father Murphy walks up to O’Toole and asks, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole says, “No, I don’t Father.”
The priest says, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole says, “Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”
The classic move in a well-constructed joke—whatever we might have thought about the group Father Murphy is assembling over there against the wall, O’Toole has just reframed it for us.Paddy was in New York, patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, “Okay, pedestrians.” Then he’d allow the traffic to pass.
He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, “Pedestrians!” for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, “Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”
Same deal. This time “pedestrians” suddenly becomes not a word for people walking, but for the followers of another religion!Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
“Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!”
“Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are ye callin’ from?”
Of course, a fellow Catholic would ask that, wouldn’t he? But you didn’t see it coming, did you?Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one—just had another fight with the little woman.”
“Oh yeah?” said Charlie, “And how did this one end?”
“When it was over,” Mike replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.”
“Really,” said Charles, “Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”
She said, “Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.”
Okay, this is the ONE joke that I think inferior to all of the rest. Not that it’s all that bad, but would Mike really be telling anyone a joke that’s on himself? Hmm, maybe Mike’s the one really good Catholic portrayed here?Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, “You were drunk again last night weren’t you?”
Patton said, “Why do you say such a mean thing?”
“Well,” Kathleen said, “it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.”
The humor here, I think, is visual. The surprising image of Paddy’s applying the Band-Aids to the reflections of his cuts got the biggest laugh from me of all of these jokes. But I think I love the first one the best.
| Copyright © 2013 by Jack Cover |
Ha! I just re-read Jack Cover’s review, and the first audible laugh I uttered came at Kathleen’s statement ant the end the final joke, which “got the biggest laugh” from Jack himself.
ReplyDeletePat Hamilton, whom I addressed as “St. Paddy” when I wished him a happy day yesterday, reported that “I'm torn between the first one and the last one as the best.”
ReplyDeleteI very much like them both also, but the audible laugh the last joke forced out of me gives the nod to the latter. Especially after I read it to my wife and she commented that she thinks she actually did one time apply a Band-Aid to a mirror rather than to the cut she meant to bandage!
A comment on the comments of 2013 that complained about “jokes that need to be explained”: Jack Cover wasn’t explaining anything; he was doing the ground-breaking service of writing the first review of jokes ever attempted (that I’m aware of). A review must say something about whatever is being reviewed.
ReplyDelete