Ask Wednesday: Nick Johnson on a failed relationship

What doesn't kill you....

Nick Johnson, the son of a friend of ours here in North Carolina, suffered the end of a romantic relationship last year. Having met Katie, we could appreciate what the break-up likely meant to Nick. So, some months later, we approached Nick about an interview on the aftermath. He kindly agreed. [Our questions are in italics.]

Nick, we believe that you and Katie had developed a pretty solid relationship of some years, is that correct? You shared a domicile and so on, perhaps pooled your funds? Please describe your relationship, so we know what we're dealing with here.
    Katie and I had been dating for a little over four years before we broke up. We had built a very solid relationship during this time, one in which we had moved in together for the past two years. We shared many of the financial responsibilities, including rent, cell phone, cable/internet, electric, as well as groceries each month. We had also begun to talk about getting married. We were very close.

Breaking up couldn't have been an easy thing. What happened?
    The decision to break up happened fairly quickly, but many of the factors causing us to break up had been developing over time. They were factors that neither she nor I could look beyond at the end of the day and this is what eventually caused us to break up.

How did you feel at the time?
    At the time I felt horrible. I was at a loss for words because it wasn’t at all what I wanted for us. I also felt horrible because I felt that much of it was my fault, like I could have done something better. I was very disappointed in myself for some time after we broke up.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross formulated the famous "five stages of grief": denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Which if any of those stages have you experienced? For example, did you "deny" that a break-up was happening when it first presented itself?
    I experienced four of the five stages—I don't think I bargained. Some of the stages I experienced lasted longer than others and some were more intense than others.
    Denial did not last long at all. I was mostly angry with myself, thinking that I should have done this different or tried harder at that. I was angry because I knew what I needed to do from my end to make the relationship better but I was never able to follow through for one reason or another.
    It was the depression that hit the hardest for me. It also lasted the longest. I started out being depressed about the relationship and slowly the depression spread to other parts of my life. Eventually it seemed as if I would go about my day cloaked in a blanket of depression that I couldn’t shed. It took me about six months before I went to get help and just recently began to move past the depression.
    I think I accepted that the relationship was over shortly after we broke up but what I had a difficult time accepting was going on with my life. It took about 10 months total for me to get past all of this and really begin to move on in a positive direction with my life.

What life lessons have come out of the break-up and its aftermath?
    You should never take anything for granted because you never know if or when you will no longer have it anymore. More specifically, I learn something from every relationship I’ve been in and take these lessons into the next relationship.

How would you console a friend who had just told you that his girlfriend told him last night that she didn't want to be together with him anymore?
    I think the biggest thing is just to be there in a supportive way. When you break up you feel lost because such a relationship is a big part of your life. Being there for a friend in a supportive way is important.

What if a female friend told you that her boyfriend had broken up with her last night? Do you feel that you would be able to give her useful advice? What would you tell her?
    I would console a women in the same way.

Is there anything you hoped we'd ask but didn't?
    The common saying, “What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger,” is a very true statement. Going through tough times, whether it is with a job, family matters, or in my case a break-up, teaches you many things. I like the saying, “Failure leads to success.” I may have failed at this relationship, but I learned a lot and because of this will eventually be successful in the future.
_______________
Copyright © 2013 by Morris Dean