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| Today's voice belongs to Guest Columnist Jack Cover |
[Sequel to previous health status report]
My oncologist is happy. While I've had no CT scan recently, my blood tests continue to show that I continue tolerating my cancer medicine, Inlyta, in good shape. My doctor assures me that we have the tumors under control and will in the foreseeable future.
A weekend ago we had a Kidney Cancer Conference at UNC. Doctors and nurses from UNC, Duke, and Levine Cancer Center in Charlotte made presentations. It was eye-opening. One of the things that had not really hit me is that on the medication I am on the doctor and the patient need to set goals: Is shrinking the tumors the main goal? Is having a better quality of life the main goal? Apparently it’s a trade-off. So it seems that the worse I feel from the medicine, the more the medicine is attacking the tumors. I am in the middle of cognitive dissonance on this one. If only it were as easy as Mae West’s rule: “Whenever I have to choose between two evils, I always like to try the one I haven’t tried before.”
Ah, the humiliation that comes with my status.
There was getting my first CT scan at Duke. Good ole Duke gave me one of those wonderful backless gowns that you get in hospitals. As I walked toward the Tomography machine, a nurse called out that I was subjecting her to indecent exposure. I am not certain why my tighty whiteys gave her such a thrill, but I live to give thrills.
Ah, the humiliation.
My lovely bride and caregiver has confessed that she goes to Duke Oncology with me not just for me but because she greatly enjoys my eye-candy doctor, “Dr. Hottie.” And I always wanted to be “patient hottie.” Ah well, maybe in my next reincarnation.
Ah, the humiliation.
One of the great joys of taking my medicine is flatulence. Sing: “It was flatulation, I know” to the tune of “It Was Infatuation I Know.” Or maybe: “Mama don’t allow no flatulence ‘round here” to the tune of “Mama Don’t Allow No Music ‘Round Here.” We don’t care what mama don’t allow, gonna make my music anyhow!
At any rate, if you want to kill a wonderful scene, curl up in bed with your love, whisper sweet nothings in her ear and have a bout of flatulence. Cam can’t get far enough away during these “special moments.”
Ah, the humiliation.
For two weeks, I have been dealing with hiccups brought on by one or more of my medicines. Maybe the worst thing about hiccups is that when I go to bed, Cam starts giggling because I shake the bed with each hic. How can one go to sleep with hiccups and their beautiful wife giggling at them?
Ah, the humiliation.
I pray that all of you are well and enjoying life to its fullest.
Please keep me in your prayers.
God bless.
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Copyright © 2013 by Jack Cover
Keep your chin up Jack thinking of you & yours and praying too !
ReplyDeleteJack, thanks for modeling good humor and equitable outlook while in somewhat dire straits!
ReplyDeleteYour status reports routinely talk about keeping your doctors happy and sometimes seem to joke about the impossibility of keeping happy both oncologist and cardiologist, for example, because they view progress in contradictory terms. I'm thinking of how the oncologist was glad you were gaining weight, while the cardiologist cautioned you against gaining.
Even though you are able to banter about this, it must actually be rather disconcerting?